it has occured to me that in the end all things are ok and if they are not ok it is not the end.

i cant believe im about to admit this


but this is the first time in my existance that ive been this low and not wanted to die.

im listening to "i wont see you tonite" by A7 and im not feeling that way. im almost feeling like im depserate to live more than ever. like im left to accomplish it because these feelings of ultimate surrender have really just challenged me.

in the past ive wanted it to end. as in its a fuckin shock im still here and id rather die right no than feel that way again (but isnt that the point)

but ive never wanted to more than this to live. because its not the end i am after its the better that is available and for this first time in my life, life is what i want. that is what i am after for the first fucking time ever. and that is truley something to me.


i believe in smething better in the after life or whatever and i know that is the ultimate "end" and that no matter what suffering one faces in this level it is all for naught in the end.


i am in no rush to be at my lifes end and i will not invite my departure.

i am just hoping that the happy ending is not in death.


current mood: meloncholy acceptance with bitter optomism just for kicks

and besides you know i can pretend im happy and smile as though i was. see?





plus im not like this guy from a few entries back. i bit him remember?? he water bled to death on my floor. took him like four days to die. oh well. better him than me i guess.