on man. the mail has been coming in. im still in shock about the whole proposal thing.
it went a little something like this...just talking. "jyn, i have been thinking about this for awhile."
"uh ok" (me talking)
"yeah"
"what?"
"there is something that i wanted to tell ya"
not jyn i love you and you are all i think about and what not despite us not dating and such whatever.
nope out of the blue
"i was thinking we should get married"
uh what, way left feild here.
"uh back that up again"
"well" he sighs, "you are thinking this is a bad idea arent you."
"Actually...yeah i am" i sigh now "its just that i dont think...i cant."
he doesnt say anything
"i'm sorry its just that i dont have those feelings you know."
the sad thing is that i know that im just saying shit to
because i cant express everything in my head at the moment.
its like if this was just a movie i could turn around and speak everything that was inside.
but there is only silence.
maybe it was the fear of every other relationship in my life just being a huge mess. maybe it was that i had come to realize that if you dont force things to change or evolve into something else they will just stay with what you are already comfortable with. maybe that makes sense but i dont know.
i wanted to say that there was other important people in my life that have wanted the same thing and i didnt give in to them either.
maybe i wanted to tell him that i didnt love him and that there was someone else dwelling in the back of my mind.
but these are impossible dreams sometimes.
i dont know.
something inside me wanted to say all these things but there is part of me that was hopeful.
it was like there was finally someone out there that had proven themselves to me time and time again and despite the problems of my last encounters with relationships where i was backed into a corner and treated like i was a piece of shit.
but you can only take someone pointing out how worthless they make you feel for so long until you rise up and say you had enough of the bullshit.
i looked at both sides of the coin on this proposal because that is the way i am, i'm a real logical asshole like that. so here i am thinking the pros and the cons. heres what i have come up with.
-cons-
i'm not dating
i cant honestly say that i am in love with
but there are those moments that its like maybe this could be more than what it is
hes never around because of work
it would really be a marraige of convience and that is aobut it
i think it would cause more controversy than it would solve
i worry too damn much about stuff
we make better freinds or whatever
-pros-
i can actually see myself getting along with him forever
all the way i have been treated in relationships i know that he would never be like to me
i need someone that is going to respect me
has really proven to me over the last few years that he does care
so what to do?
all i can think is that i cant do this. i dont want to be married to anyone right now. especially to someone that is going to be back and forth, not by choice or anything just because its all part of the biz.
i just dont know what to even think.
oddly, i am way flattered. and its not caz this boy is mr. rock suppastar or anything. its not that its just that...
i dont know.
sigh.
its late and i was at a meeting for a long ass time. everything seems to be fixed with both of my little herds of rockers.
sigh..
lycia and i are up giggling still which is funny caz we both work all freaking day tomarrow. fuck that.
i should just call in dead.
i wish.
maybe i will just go to sleep at some point.
i know it sounds strange but with the whole deal of behind me, i thought about seeing 
today. i was kinda sad she didnt come out. then again she has been resting up the last few weeks. poor thing. i should go see her tomarrow. i havent even seen 
around. apparently he was going car shopping with at some point. who knows.
i feel like i need a nap, either that or something to pry my eyelids open with. enough rammble.
oh thanks jameson. you know why...
it went a little something like this...just talking. "jyn, i have been thinking about this for awhile."
"uh ok" (me talking)
"yeah"
"what?"
"there is something that i wanted to tell ya"
not jyn i love you and you are all i think about and what not despite us not dating and such whatever.
nope out of the blue
"i was thinking we should get married"
uh what, way left feild here.
"uh back that up again"
"well" he sighs, "you are thinking this is a bad idea arent you."
"Actually...yeah i am" i sigh now "its just that i dont think...i cant."
he doesnt say anything
"i'm sorry its just that i dont have those feelings you know."
the sad thing is that i know that im just saying shit to
because i cant express everything in my head at the moment.
its like if this was just a movie i could turn around and speak everything that was inside.
but there is only silence.
maybe it was the fear of every other relationship in my life just being a huge mess. maybe it was that i had come to realize that if you dont force things to change or evolve into something else they will just stay with what you are already comfortable with. maybe that makes sense but i dont know.
i wanted to say that there was other important people in my life that have wanted the same thing and i didnt give in to them either.
maybe i wanted to tell him that i didnt love him and that there was someone else dwelling in the back of my mind.
but these are impossible dreams sometimes.
i dont know.
something inside me wanted to say all these things but there is part of me that was hopeful.
it was like there was finally someone out there that had proven themselves to me time and time again and despite the problems of my last encounters with relationships where i was backed into a corner and treated like i was a piece of shit.
but you can only take someone pointing out how worthless they make you feel for so long until you rise up and say you had enough of the bullshit.
i looked at both sides of the coin on this proposal because that is the way i am, i'm a real logical asshole like that. so here i am thinking the pros and the cons. heres what i have come up with.
-cons-
i'm not dating
i cant honestly say that i am in love with
but there are those moments that its like maybe this could be more than what it is
hes never around because of work
it would really be a marraige of convience and that is aobut it
i think it would cause more controversy than it would solve
i worry too damn much about stuff
we make better freinds or whatever
-pros-
i can actually see myself getting along with him forever
all the way i have been treated in relationships i know that he would never be like to me
i need someone that is going to respect me
has really proven to me over the last few years that he does care
so what to do?
all i can think is that i cant do this. i dont want to be married to anyone right now. especially to someone that is going to be back and forth, not by choice or anything just because its all part of the biz.
i just dont know what to even think.
oddly, i am way flattered. and its not caz this boy is mr. rock suppastar or anything. its not that its just that...
i dont know.
sigh.
its late and i was at a meeting for a long ass time. everything seems to be fixed with both of my little herds of rockers.
sigh..
lycia and i are up giggling still which is funny caz we both work all freaking day tomarrow. fuck that.
i should just call in dead.
i wish.
maybe i will just go to sleep at some point.
i know it sounds strange but with the whole deal of
behind me, i thought about seeing today. i was kinda sad she didnt come out. then again she has been resting up the last few weeks. poor thing. i should go see her tomarrow. i havent even seen around. apparently he was going car shopping with at some point. who knows.
i feel like i need a nap, either that or something to pry my eyelids open with. enough rammble.
oh thanks jameson. you know why...