justmee

Yesturday was one of those days.

Went to Eric's grandma's funeral. I hate funerals. But figured out some things.

First, I figured out what I want done with my ashes. It's illegal to scatter them without a permit (which I'm sure no one will want to mess with)... so I've found the solution. Someone, my hubby, sister, whoever... takes them, puts them in a brightly colored sand bucket, pokes a tiny little hole in the bottom, and starts walking down the beach. Since it makes me happy to think about now, that should be good enough when I'm dead.

Also, there is to be NO funeral. Maybe a memorial thing, on the beach, in regular clothes. People can just talk about me. The good, the bad, the funny, the ugly. I really don't care as long as there is no church, no suits, and no one rattling on about how I've "found my place" in heaven. No thank you.

I felt so sad yesturday. Not becuase she was gone. I'm one to remember the little things of when they were alive. What did make me sad, was seeing the hurt in other people. That's why I was holding back tears most of the day.

Smart me, I decided to go to work. I get there, do a few things, and then help my first customer. They need something that I can't sell because it is illegal. They then explain that it's for someone's funeral. I feel bad. The one person who can break the law isn't there. I ask someone else, who says to go ahead and give them one. I then have to make this young girl, 16,17, 18ish choose between two things that help her to remember her mother. She's expressionless, sad, and asks her grandmother? to choose. She does, and when I come back, she has tears in her eyes. I feel sooooo bad. I said "I'm so sorry... for your loss". And break down.

No more holding in of those tears for me. So I run to the nearest mirror... and stand there, staring at myself crying. Turning red, and looking just general funky. My eyes are all puffy and small. I look a mess. There was this nice guy back there, who was worried about me, and about three people I work with. I felt silly, but was glad to see people still care about others.

So I call our manager, tell him (between sobs) what is going on, and ask if I can go home. He says yes... so I finally make it to my car, and decide I want to drive to the beach... sit... and get all of this crying over with.

I cried most of the way there. About my life in general. My messy house, my crazy mother, my untrained, embarrassing dog, our poorness, my marraige, having no friends, the way the bit of blue sky was peeking through the nasty grey clouds, etc.

Then I get there, walk down to the beach, sit on the log ready to let it all go.... and.... nothing. I'm sitting, wanting to cry, needing to cry. Cry about all the horrible things that are going on in my life, and can't do it!

Eventually it was dark and I was cold, so I went back to my car. Sat down, started driving, and bam... more tears.

I never did get them all out, which sucks, but I made lists and lists of the things I want to get accomplished this year. Mostly with my house, relationship, and body... but it's a start.

This year hasn't been off to a good start. But maybe today.....