justme159

i went to see jolene and heather last night to give them some herbs from my garden. i had a really nice time chatting with them. i think the problem started there...i had a nice time. i love them as much as i love my own family. it was as if nothing had happened between dana and i...and that made me sad.

once i got about halfway down the driveway, i lost it. i don't know exactly what my thoughts were, but all i know is that i completely fell apart. i was flooded of thoughts of moments that were had and some that were supposed to be. and it was overwhelming.

i'm not talking about gently sobbing in my car...i am talking about full-on breakdown...not being able to control the tears down my face and feeling absoultely hysterical. i even missed my turn onto the street i needed. i was frantically trying to get ahold of one of my friends...just to talk...well text.

by the time i got home, i was just a wreck...it felt like a panic attack, only worse. i remember talking to one of my friends and completly getting lost mid-sentence. i couldn't think. i didn't want to feel.

i don't even know how long i was talking to Obsidian77 before i just wore myself out and had to go to bed.

as the time comes closer for him to come back, the more nervous i get. i'm confused about my feelings about the situation...and about dana...and about what i want to happen. especially after last night. i had been feeling so much anger and frustration, that i think i covered my hurt. and last night it came back. and like i said to my friend, karen, why do i have to love him so much? i can't help it. i do. and it hurts.

after a few hours i felt better. the wave washed over me and then subsided. i am here today, feeling better...not great, but better.