justashadow

she is moving to chicago. alone. it's something she needs to do for herself, independantly. it's something that terrifies her, but she knows that means it's the right thing to do. she needs to know that she can do this. for herself. it's a 2 year program. she might come back. or she might not. there is no doubt that even if she does come back, she wouldn't come back still wanting me. I think the thing that makes this the most painful is twofold: it makes me feel horrid and selfish that I want her to stay, to stay with me, and it makes me feel even worse that she doesn't want to stay with me.
I will do my best to enjoy the time I still have with her, but it's sort of like watching the clock tick away the last few minutes of your life, while it still ticks you are in a state of limbo, thinking you will be prepared when the time comes, hoping you will behave with dignity, but in the back of your mind knowing that when the clock strikes you will be sobbing and begging for just a few more minutes, a few more seconds, regretting all the time you wasted, all the things you never said, all the times you wished you had taken the chances.
I hope I am dignified when the time comes.
I know I will not be.