I'm not sure that I have ever felt so alone in my life as I do this very moment. Sometimes I don't understand why it's so hard to be me. Why things always have to work out the way they do. Am I that different from everyone else?
Today I felt like I was walking around with a huge booger on my nose. It sure seemed like people were avoiding me as if I did. Even people that I see on a weekly basis wouldn't talk to me. I don't understand. What makes people so afraid to meet someone new or make a new friend?
Personally, believe it or not, deep down I'm really shy. I'm not one for social interaction and mostly prefer to just hole myself up away from the world. It just seems easier that way. That's where I always end up anyway, so it just seems easier to stay there to begin with. It's not that I don't like people, or I don't want to meet people. It's not that I'm not a nice person or that I'm not fun to be with. It's not even that I'm anti-social because, really, I'm not. I think that it just come from years upon years of distrust. I guess after a while I just got sick and tired of getting let down all the time so I said, "Fuck it."
Now the only people that get close to me are those that either 1) are worth the risk, or 2) take the risk first. For instance, my best friend is the most wonderful person that I've ever known. Everyday he amazes me in some way or another. He is worth the risk. I would go out on a limb for him any day, because I trust that he won't let me fall and all I need is that trust. Someone that takes the first risk is the person that says, "Hi" for the first time, this is the person that starts the conversation to begin with. My neighbor, who I now call my friend, is one of these people. When I first met him I thought he was irritating as all hell and I had a very hard time being around him, but he was always nice and polite. He always stopped to ask how my day was or to invite me for dinner or just to hang out. He even went so far as to stand up for me when he saw some guy trying to hit on me. His consistency and nobility won my trust. He is one of those genuinely nice people that deserve this kind of trust.
I try to be that person. Although I am shy, I will still smile and ask how someone's day is, I will give a friendly greeting in passing. In my opinion this is just a common courtesy. You, reader, should try this sometime. You would be amazed at how many people actually avoid eye contact and are in a hurry to pass. You will notice that they are in a hurry to get no place in particular and there is nothing spectacular about the carpet they insist on staring at, so what is it? What are people so afraid of? Why are we so afraid of each other?
I think those people that are so afraid are just like me. They've been disappointed so many times in the past that they are not even willing to give in to common courtesy anymore. I guess I still have a little faith, but right now it feels like it is wearing very thin.
Why doesn't anyone have "real friends" anymore? When did we lose that? I'm sure everyone had at least one person growing up that was their "best friend for life." There was always that one person who you trusted and could talk to about anything. Where did that person go? When did we become adults and lose that? Better yet, why did becoming adults make us lose that? I used to have that one friend that I cherished more than anything and now there is no one that compares. Something about growing up, moving away, getting married, jobs, and all the choices and mistakes that people make as they enter adulthood... something in that process drives a wedge between you the one person you love as equal to yourself. Why? Is it ever possible to find that same friendship as an adult? I know that I sure haven't, and I long for it more than anything.
Don't get me wrong, reader. I am capable of standing on my own and supporting myself, but it still gets very, very lonely and I certainly can't spend all my time by myself. That just isn't healthy! It would be nice to have at least one other person to spend some time with and share all this crap with, but where do I find that when they only people interested in meeting me are those with intensions of "hooking up" with me?!
Again, reader, don't get me wrong. It's not like I have a problem meeting guys, or for that matter anyone that thinks I'm attractive, but 1) that's not what I'm looking for and 2) that's nothing to base a friendship on to begin with. All I'm looking for is a friend that I can share things with and that I can trust who is not waiting for the opportunity to get me in the sack! I can't speak for guys, but I'm sure girls know exactly the feeling that I'm referring to!
Is friendship like that even available with all the demands of being an adult?
That's all.
Today I felt like I was walking around with a huge booger on my nose. It sure seemed like people were avoiding me as if I did. Even people that I see on a weekly basis wouldn't talk to me. I don't understand. What makes people so afraid to meet someone new or make a new friend?
Personally, believe it or not, deep down I'm really shy. I'm not one for social interaction and mostly prefer to just hole myself up away from the world. It just seems easier that way. That's where I always end up anyway, so it just seems easier to stay there to begin with. It's not that I don't like people, or I don't want to meet people. It's not that I'm not a nice person or that I'm not fun to be with. It's not even that I'm anti-social because, really, I'm not. I think that it just come from years upon years of distrust. I guess after a while I just got sick and tired of getting let down all the time so I said, "Fuck it."
Now the only people that get close to me are those that either 1) are worth the risk, or 2) take the risk first. For instance, my best friend is the most wonderful person that I've ever known. Everyday he amazes me in some way or another. He is worth the risk. I would go out on a limb for him any day, because I trust that he won't let me fall and all I need is that trust. Someone that takes the first risk is the person that says, "Hi" for the first time, this is the person that starts the conversation to begin with. My neighbor, who I now call my friend, is one of these people. When I first met him I thought he was irritating as all hell and I had a very hard time being around him, but he was always nice and polite. He always stopped to ask how my day was or to invite me for dinner or just to hang out. He even went so far as to stand up for me when he saw some guy trying to hit on me. His consistency and nobility won my trust. He is one of those genuinely nice people that deserve this kind of trust.
I try to be that person. Although I am shy, I will still smile and ask how someone's day is, I will give a friendly greeting in passing. In my opinion this is just a common courtesy. You, reader, should try this sometime. You would be amazed at how many people actually avoid eye contact and are in a hurry to pass. You will notice that they are in a hurry to get no place in particular and there is nothing spectacular about the carpet they insist on staring at, so what is it? What are people so afraid of? Why are we so afraid of each other?
I think those people that are so afraid are just like me. They've been disappointed so many times in the past that they are not even willing to give in to common courtesy anymore. I guess I still have a little faith, but right now it feels like it is wearing very thin.
Why doesn't anyone have "real friends" anymore? When did we lose that? I'm sure everyone had at least one person growing up that was their "best friend for life." There was always that one person who you trusted and could talk to about anything. Where did that person go? When did we become adults and lose that? Better yet, why did becoming adults make us lose that? I used to have that one friend that I cherished more than anything and now there is no one that compares. Something about growing up, moving away, getting married, jobs, and all the choices and mistakes that people make as they enter adulthood... something in that process drives a wedge between you the one person you love as equal to yourself. Why? Is it ever possible to find that same friendship as an adult? I know that I sure haven't, and I long for it more than anything.
Don't get me wrong, reader. I am capable of standing on my own and supporting myself, but it still gets very, very lonely and I certainly can't spend all my time by myself. That just isn't healthy! It would be nice to have at least one other person to spend some time with and share all this crap with, but where do I find that when they only people interested in meeting me are those with intensions of "hooking up" with me?!
Again, reader, don't get me wrong. It's not like I have a problem meeting guys, or for that matter anyone that thinks I'm attractive, but 1) that's not what I'm looking for and 2) that's nothing to base a friendship on to begin with. All I'm looking for is a friend that I can share things with and that I can trust who is not waiting for the opportunity to get me in the sack! I can't speak for guys, but I'm sure girls know exactly the feeling that I'm referring to!
Is friendship like that even available with all the demands of being an adult?
That's all.
I hope this helps.