jupitersunrise

i don't even know what to say in here anymore. have you noticed? i feel like my profile picture right now.

i just spoke with ian. ian used to be my god. he moved into his own place last year and didn't have the internet, so we lost contact for almost exactly a year (he's a LONGtime internet friend, like since i was 14, and we've never met in real life and probably never will). i missed him. but the world is different now and we aren't the same people. he lost 80-something pounds and he just seems so different. i feel like i should be so different as well, and maybe that's why i'm sad. i had nothing special to report to him - i... got an apartment? i had sex!! that was my biggest thing, because we always used to talk about my lack of confidence, and how i never had a boyfriend but always wanted one. that's something that hasn't changed - still no boyfriend. but i did get one and keep him for a while, and i got confidence, and i did lose my virginity, damnit!

i feel lost again. what are these feelings coursing through my veins? i had such a great day today. but now everything is different. he has re-entered. luckily i get to sleep in tomorrow... i need to stay up tonight and write this out of my head.