jupitersunrise

it's gonna take me a while to stop clicking on "edit preferences" and start clicking on "update your page" to write in here. but i think i can manage.

so yeah, the thing i was talking about last night, that i told my mom about. i got molested. that's the only word i can really think of that fits it. it was [------] close to rape... a guy forced himself on me. it started out ok, we were playing truth or dare. and then he started getting forceful and telling me to do things. i was being very resistent and he was acting like he didn't understand why, and kept pushing. it was scaring me hardcore. he took my pants off, then took his own off and wanted to like rub up against me, but not go inside. i told him no, and it took a few times of telling him no for him to not actually do it. then he shoved his penis in my face and grabbed my head and told me to suck his dick. he came in my face and it was so fucking gross and unexpected. then as i was coming out of the bathroom after washing my hands and collecting myself, he was on the phone. he said he didn't have any reception in my apartment, so he had to go outside. after about 10 minutes of waiting, i went outside and he was gone. i locked my door and called him, leaving a nasty message something to the sorts of: "that's really gay that you left, you have a small dick, don't ever come back you ugly fucking asshole."

so he came online after he got home (musta gotten a ride or something, i have no idea) and said "i thought you were cool, but you seem kinda crazy" and i was like "call me whatever you want, i know what i am and that was wrong, and it wasn't my fault" and he was like "you make it seem like i raped you" and i said "what's the next step below rape? because that's what it feels like to me" and then he went on about how i said online that i wanted him to go down on me and all this bullshit. i told him that i never said anything like that, nor would i because i'm not like that and typically don't stray out of character. he called me a liar. what the fuck ever buddy. i blocked him. goodbye loser. i'm way better than you ever will be.

so that's my life in the past day.

manny, this guy i'm pretty much in love with, his phone has been off for the past two weeks and it got turned on yesterday. he called me while i was with the scumbag, and i told him i'd call him later (at that point in time, things hadn't gone awry yet). so i called him after it happened, crying and saying i needed him. he called me back at 5:45 this morning (which was really cute, i don't mind being woken up). he asked me why i was crying and all i could say was that i had a really bad day. i knew that if i told him what happened, he's be so pissed at the guy and would do something rash. so i'm going to tell him in person. we made plans to possibly hang out this weekend. it probably won't happen because it gets fucked up every time, but it's nice to try. i need him so badly right now. he's the closest thing to love that i've ever known.

my emotions... about the guy
about manny

i'm strong. strong enough to not let this fuck me up. hear me roar.