junkeragentseed

i spent a lot of time at work thinking about what i wanted to write today. (lord knows there's not a lot else to think about, although i have found that comedy makes the time pass faster than music. anyone know any good standup cd's, other than those of david cross?) i used to think it was a load of bullshit when people talked about "putting up an emotional wall." i'd think, well, you built the wall, now take the fucking thing down. but the past few years of my life have led me to a point where i'm not so sure. i do know that i haven't forged a truly meaningful, emotionally open relationship with anyone*, male or female, since n_____, and that was two years ago. i do know that when i meet new people, i withdraw almost completely. i do know that all my relationships with people i used to be open with have either greatly deteriorated or died out altogether. and i also know that i cannot continue like this.

i think a lot about what it is, for me, that makes me want a girlfriend. more than the sex, more than the feeling of being loved, more than any other aspect of a relationship, it's the feeling of having someone else around to help shoulder the burdens of my crummy little life, and having someone for whom i could do the same. with me, it's "me and you vs. the world" all the way. i had it once, and i want it again, even in a regular friend. but i meet people, and i turn into this robot with pre-programmed responses, designed to be "cute" and "charming" and "hip" (whether they are or not is another matter), which has the cumulative effect of keeping everyone at considerably more than arm's length.

in summary, if you think i'm stand-offish or sullen, i assure you i don't mean to be, and it's (probably) not because i don't like you. and if you grow to think of me as your SGfriend, add me, because i would never be so presumptuous as to add you first.

* of course, i make an exception for you, k__; but let's face it, it's a lot easier to be open when the relationship consists only of e-mails and blogs. by the way, you do know it costs money to join this site, don't you?