two things:

1) i had a dream last night (yeah, i hear you saying, how many interesting stories begin like that? well, you've got some attitude, mister) in which i tried heroin for the first time, and it felt every bit as good as i'd always hoped. it was like an orgasm that just kept going, and all i could do was lie down and feel good. and it wasn't one of those dreams about something you really want to see but never quite do, it was a dream about a feeling, and i was feeling it full intensity, asleep or not. luckily, when i woke up, my sheets were still clean.

2) (possibly related, due to some endorphin thing i don't understand.) i discovered a new song yesterday. i mean, i'd heard it before, but never really noticed it. that song is as follows:

carissa's wierd, "all apologies and smiles, yours truly, ugly valentine"

so they're all gone now, that took a long time
you're the only one who'd be my valentine
i didn't want that to drive you crazy
i should've done something, i guess i'm lazy
feeling down low now
someone tell me what i should do
'cause i've never been perfect
but i never meant to drag down you
so if im dragging you down now
i could wait in the lost and found
just promise me you'll be perfect
and i promise that i'll come around
sometimes, to say hello, all smiles

maybe it's time to let go
probably doesn't even weigh that much now
so i'll drop it, i'll turn around fast
i'll shake your hand and take six steps back
we'll have a seat and light another cigarette
we'll have a drink for nothing to regret
we'll clap our hands when, when we hear that sound
we won't be sad now, we won't be feeling down
we could live or die and have a great time
i'll be your valentine, what an ugly valentine
we could live or die and have a great time
you'll be my valentine, what a perfect valentine
we could live or die
be my valentine

so like i said, i'd heard it, but the poignancy of the lyrics had never struck me before. i was stunned. i sat in my car on my lunch break and listened to it for a half hour. when i went back to work, i was so overcome with emotion, i started crying. it faded away into the tedium of the afternoon, but on the drive home, i listened to it some more (as my ex-lj readers, both of them, know, i will listen to any song that makes me cry over and over again for days, to the exclusion of all else). it was so glorious, a perfect golden moment, because unlike the other songs that make me cry, this one made me so happy, and it made me think of every time i'd ever been loved by someone i felt was too good for me. and tears were streaming down my cheeks, and i had a goofy, quivering smile on my face, and for a minute, i was so goddamned grateful to be alive.

♥ kea ♥ rhz ♥ nmh ♥ avd ♥