Perhaps it is because I feel age creeping up on me or perhaps it is because I am exposed to so many young girls lately as my daughter nears pre teen in any case I feel the need to share this story with you it may never amount to anything or it may make one of you think and that is enough for me
I was raised by a non conformist rather hippie let me find my way on a commune type back in the late 60s. She was raised Catholic my momma and Catholics at 18 did NOT have abortions. Hence here I am.
My father left when I was 6 months old.
My mother was 18 then.
All alone.
So she did what any good young teenage mother would do she moved us to a commune in Oregon from Philadelphia.
Anyway fast forward to later days.
She came back. And raised me in Haddonfield, NJ if you havent been consider yourself lucky if you choose to go consider yourself in for the long haul.
It was/is OLD money, OLD ideals, OLD mentality and OLD skeletons in the closet.
I never quite figured out how to make myself a person I could be proud of there.
But ---whatever.
I became a cheerleader who knew about the riffs and the bass player and the lead guitarist the drummer and who their influences were.
Where am I going with this?
Well here thank you
You can find what you are looking for far down the line if you give it time.
I had no resources there.
Even though I married into old money and old ideals at a young 20 something age.
I also ran far far away.
Into Californialand.
There I met a boy.
A boy who knew something about everything I did not.
And he gave me cause to leave my husband.
And he gave me cause to question myself.
And he gave me cause to grow.
And grow I did.
Into the heart of darkness and debauchery also known as Hollywood I sank and floated and flew.
I sold songs of mine to the moguls, I played backstage games, I ran and hungered but I also found myself lost and confused and just thirsty.
Thirsty for knowledge.
Thirsty for humor.
Thirsty for the man who would not leave my side.
Tired and starving for the man who had the strength to stay by my side.
And I listened to Liz Phair as though it would save me.
And Tori Amos her nymph heart comforted me.
And man, those Counting Crows could make me cry.
In the midst of my alone loneliness when my own momma who had done the same thing had written me off as disowned their songs got me through,
Music.
Music babies.
FUCKING music.
Music will save your soul if you let it.
So move one leap frog into now.
That boy the one who introduced me into a world of writing and sound that I had never known.
He abandoned me.
They always do.
Its okay to be pretty and have something to say.
It is NOT however okay to be pretty, have something to say, and also be slightly crazy.
Thats when they will leave.
Trust me.
I have learned from experience.
My crazy was only generalized dysfunction.
The same dysfunction we all possess.
ANYWAY got over it.
Met a horrible abusive man and stayed with him for nearly ten year.
He fathered the most amazing little girl to walk this earth.
He gets no kudos for that mind you.
She is amazing because she is.
Plain and simple.
I am proud to be her mother but I do not take responsibility for her beautiful nature.
In the midst of that I got caught up in a young boy.
He made me feel things I had not in a decade at that pint.
I was suddenly all at once, beautiful, sexy, intelligent, funny, you know, all the things we like to believe we are.
He was 15 years my junior and a member of the same small town I have already wasted too much time describing.
And he made me also feel as down and lost as I may have ever felt in my entire life.
There were plenty of sideline insignificant in betweens but clearly they are not worth mentioning.
And then.
THEN
Dum
Dum
Dum
Along came this man
The one the fucking gods heard me pray for
Years of tried and trampled education
Led him to my side
He did not get in easy
Man that poor man had to knock against a ton of brick walls I had put up
And this little diatribe has become solely my own mental diarrhea I realize this
But man I cannot imagine where I would be had Sam not found me
I said to the heavens which I had stopped believing in
I just want a MAN
who is
incredibly well versed in music
and funny enough make me laugh out loud
and intelligent enough to make me want to discuss great literature with
and yummy enough to make me want to hop him and bang like funky rabbits when time allows
And.
If God does not exist
Somebody answered me
He surpasses me on every level
He is my hero
He
IS
MY
HERO
Fuck the rest of them
Seriously
The ones who think they knew you
For fucking you
Or for their short time in your realm
Fuck them
They dont know shit
They never even got a glimpse
Wait for your prince
Thats all I can say
He
Will come
I was raised by a non conformist rather hippie let me find my way on a commune type back in the late 60s. She was raised Catholic my momma and Catholics at 18 did NOT have abortions. Hence here I am.
My father left when I was 6 months old.
My mother was 18 then.
All alone.
So she did what any good young teenage mother would do she moved us to a commune in Oregon from Philadelphia.
Anyway fast forward to later days.
She came back. And raised me in Haddonfield, NJ if you havent been consider yourself lucky if you choose to go consider yourself in for the long haul.
It was/is OLD money, OLD ideals, OLD mentality and OLD skeletons in the closet.
I never quite figured out how to make myself a person I could be proud of there.
But ---whatever.
I became a cheerleader who knew about the riffs and the bass player and the lead guitarist the drummer and who their influences were.
Where am I going with this?
Well here thank you
You can find what you are looking for far down the line if you give it time.
I had no resources there.
Even though I married into old money and old ideals at a young 20 something age.
I also ran far far away.
Into Californialand.
There I met a boy.
A boy who knew something about everything I did not.
And he gave me cause to leave my husband.
And he gave me cause to question myself.
And he gave me cause to grow.
And grow I did.
Into the heart of darkness and debauchery also known as Hollywood I sank and floated and flew.
I sold songs of mine to the moguls, I played backstage games, I ran and hungered but I also found myself lost and confused and just thirsty.
Thirsty for knowledge.
Thirsty for humor.
Thirsty for the man who would not leave my side.
Tired and starving for the man who had the strength to stay by my side.
And I listened to Liz Phair as though it would save me.
And Tori Amos her nymph heart comforted me.
And man, those Counting Crows could make me cry.
In the midst of my alone loneliness when my own momma who had done the same thing had written me off as disowned their songs got me through,
Music.
Music babies.
FUCKING music.
Music will save your soul if you let it.
So move one leap frog into now.
That boy the one who introduced me into a world of writing and sound that I had never known.
He abandoned me.
They always do.
Its okay to be pretty and have something to say.
It is NOT however okay to be pretty, have something to say, and also be slightly crazy.
Thats when they will leave.
Trust me.
I have learned from experience.
My crazy was only generalized dysfunction.
The same dysfunction we all possess.
ANYWAY got over it.
Met a horrible abusive man and stayed with him for nearly ten year.
He fathered the most amazing little girl to walk this earth.
He gets no kudos for that mind you.
She is amazing because she is.
Plain and simple.
I am proud to be her mother but I do not take responsibility for her beautiful nature.
In the midst of that I got caught up in a young boy.
He made me feel things I had not in a decade at that pint.
I was suddenly all at once, beautiful, sexy, intelligent, funny, you know, all the things we like to believe we are.
He was 15 years my junior and a member of the same small town I have already wasted too much time describing.
And he made me also feel as down and lost as I may have ever felt in my entire life.
There were plenty of sideline insignificant in betweens but clearly they are not worth mentioning.
And then.
THEN
Dum
Dum
Dum
Along came this man
The one the fucking gods heard me pray for
Years of tried and trampled education
Led him to my side
He did not get in easy
Man that poor man had to knock against a ton of brick walls I had put up
And this little diatribe has become solely my own mental diarrhea I realize this
But man I cannot imagine where I would be had Sam not found me
I said to the heavens which I had stopped believing in
I just want a MAN
who is
incredibly well versed in music
and funny enough make me laugh out loud
and intelligent enough to make me want to discuss great literature with
and yummy enough to make me want to hop him and bang like funky rabbits when time allows
And.
If God does not exist
Somebody answered me
He surpasses me on every level
He is my hero
He
IS
MY
HERO
Fuck the rest of them
Seriously
The ones who think they knew you
For fucking you
Or for their short time in your realm
Fuck them
They dont know shit
They never even got a glimpse
Wait for your prince
Thats all I can say
He
Will come
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That's actually not the worst advice.