The social reject.
Never had a panic attack as bad as last night. But I have had panic attacks at shows before, to where I had to leave.
I was so stoked to see Gogol Bordello. One of the best bands ever. But with everyone dancing, so many people having fun. I felt so alone. I couldnt smile or dance, I felt so stupid, like everyone knew what a loner loser I am. No one talks to me, I dont talk to anyone. I'm too shy and in this town people are intimidated by me. Way too many people have confirmed that.
So I cried. And I couldnt stop. I had to get out. I was so sad I felt so fucking stupid for leaving. If only I had a friend with me. Anyone. I would have been ok...
So I went back to my aunts house, I cried a bit more, I ended up cutting myself again. Like always. Thats just one addiction I'm not getting over. Not now, I need comfort too much.
I got out, I smoked weed, I watched Halloween related movies. I was ok, why do I let things get so bad when they can be ok?
Well I rant a lot here. I must seem like a really negative person. I'm really not all this way. I'm very positive as far my outlook on life, but my own depression and self injury really get to me, I have no one to tell these things, so I just let it out here, I dont know or care who reads it.
Sometimes I have fresh cuts on my arms. I dont even cover them anymore. I never covered my scars. But I guess I dont care who sees my injuries. It scares people away, but I dont care. I am me, I do this to myself and its not changning now.
Have you read my scars? Some of them are words. No one has ever taken the time to read them. I'm certain no one even knows what they say....and thats a secret until someone takes the time to read me like a tragic poem.
Its a cold autumn morning. The trees are red,yellow,orange. Fire, passion, cold,morning light on frozen skin. Glowing eyes and red hair.
Natural light give me power. It makes me shine. Moonlight or sunlight. Both energize me and I shimmer and blind them...
END RANT
Never had a panic attack as bad as last night. But I have had panic attacks at shows before, to where I had to leave.
I was so stoked to see Gogol Bordello. One of the best bands ever. But with everyone dancing, so many people having fun. I felt so alone. I couldnt smile or dance, I felt so stupid, like everyone knew what a loner loser I am. No one talks to me, I dont talk to anyone. I'm too shy and in this town people are intimidated by me. Way too many people have confirmed that.
So I cried. And I couldnt stop. I had to get out. I was so sad I felt so fucking stupid for leaving. If only I had a friend with me. Anyone. I would have been ok...
So I went back to my aunts house, I cried a bit more, I ended up cutting myself again. Like always. Thats just one addiction I'm not getting over. Not now, I need comfort too much.
I got out, I smoked weed, I watched Halloween related movies. I was ok, why do I let things get so bad when they can be ok?
Well I rant a lot here. I must seem like a really negative person. I'm really not all this way. I'm very positive as far my outlook on life, but my own depression and self injury really get to me, I have no one to tell these things, so I just let it out here, I dont know or care who reads it.
Sometimes I have fresh cuts on my arms. I dont even cover them anymore. I never covered my scars. But I guess I dont care who sees my injuries. It scares people away, but I dont care. I am me, I do this to myself and its not changning now.
Have you read my scars? Some of them are words. No one has ever taken the time to read them. I'm certain no one even knows what they say....and thats a secret until someone takes the time to read me like a tragic poem.
Its a cold autumn morning. The trees are red,yellow,orange. Fire, passion, cold,morning light on frozen skin. Glowing eyes and red hair.
Natural light give me power. It makes me shine. Moonlight or sunlight. Both energize me and I shimmer and blind them...
END RANT
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
Stop thinking that way. Hang in there, life will get better when you let it.