I've been less active lately mostly because things have been worse than normal nor me over the last several weeks. I've been working closely with my therapist and psychologist.
Work has been rough since I've had to deal with a lot more office politics than previously, not having to play those games is why I left management and became an R&D tech to begin with. It's stressful because I don't like manipulating people and my boss essentially expects me to. It's depressing how good I can be at it, I wish I'd left that skill behind 15 years ago when I gave up that life.
My psychologist has pretty much run out of ideas - he has me trying medical marijuana which I've literally felt no effect from so I think I'll have to get a much higher dosage (Apparently Doctors in my State don't actually prescribe dosages but leave that to the people selling the marijuana). The next steps are either ketamine (which I can't afford) or electro-shock, which is pretty terrifying. It can play serious havoc with my memory and it needs to be re-done as often as annually.
Work with my therapist has been complicated, I made a breakthrough recently about how my brain has been protecting me from dealing with the abuse I suffered as a child. So now that I know I've been intentionally keeping myself from dealing with that, I have to pretty much rip open all the old wounds in order to begin the hard work that comes from not just acknowledging what I've been through but forcing myself to remember it all and working through it. I know I need to do the work and in the end it will be for the best but right now I've never felt worse and everyday is a struggle to not just curl up into a little ball and cry.
Anyway - I'm trying to be a little more present going forward but I may still be more intermittent.
