joyrider

when you aren't looking, when you aren't wanting, when you aren't missing it, that's when she will always walk in and fit too close. it happens everytime.

then you are drowning in endorphins and buzz: sweet taste and smell of her, and the movment of her body.

i cannot ever hold her at arm's length. she always gets too close, and i am never ready. she is never ready either.

please listen: i am undoing 5 years. i am unlearning. i am walking back past old scenes: knife fights, drugs that never worked, dead feeling, expectations that should've never been. i don't want to drag you on this walking tour. but time is never on our side, and you are here now.

i hate linear existance. i want a loop, i want to see it all at once, i want out of the stream. i want my moments stretched out from the birth canal to the crematorium. i want the frames gone; i want seamless; i want the noise and the silence.

i am a wave wanting to swallow the whole ocean. i will swallow you too.