WARNING: The following journal entry contains bitching, whining, sef-pity, and severe bouts of taking ones self way to seriously. If any of these things might bother you then please go to the dirty talk and/or lifestyle board(s) where i'm sure you can find at least one if not more of my stupid yet enjoyable jokes.
With that being said, let's start shall we?
I've noticed something lately, it seems to me that talking about the things that bother us or trying to be serious seems to be rather unpopular with most people around here.
I can understand the fact that most people use this site purely as a form of escape from their hum-drum existence in the really-real world but I feel it's important that everyone who knows me and especially those who call themselves my friend know a bit more about me, specifically the parts that make me the way I tend to be emotionally.
I honestly don't write this now, and never have written anything here or anywhere else on this site to garner anyones pity. It is simply about the way I am. I've been holding this in for quite a while now afraid of what the reaction from some of you might be but I guess it's better to know something of that sort than not to know, right? I hope so.
I am, a very large portion of the time, an extremely depressed and despondant individual. My life has not been an easy one, not that it's been any harder than anyone elses but it's been painful enough for me. More than enough in spots.
Then again I suppose it's not really the pain that's truly important is it? It's trying to learn to live and deal with it now that's the problem.
I am a broken person, I never got the tools I needed to be a whole person. I am the result of an emotionally distant mother who has never known how to truly love anyone, an alcoholic father who I worshipped and eventually killed, an aunt who beat me in the name of God, a grandmother who taught me to fear everything, the drug addictions, the homelessness, and a lifetime of bad desicions and mistakes that I have never learned to forgive myself for.
I hate myself, I truly do. I wish I didn't. I don't do it for attention, or for pity, or for appearences. I don't know how to stop, if I did I would. Just like so many other problems of the mind and heart, I don't have a clue as how to change it.
I don't have low self-esteem issues becuase I have no self-esteem. My opinion of myself is not little, it is all but non-existent.
I use humor as a shield, telling jokes and cracking wise is my armor. I am the funniest person in any given room even if my heart happens to be breaking at that particular moment.
I have learned to forgive others their trespasses against me but I have never once forgiven myself for anything I have ever done or said that has been cross or hurtful toward anyone else.
I'm sure that if you've bothered to read this drivel this far then it must not have been lost on you that above I mentioned that I killed my father. Well, i'm pretty sure that's true. It was a very long time ago and he was very drunk. He was going after my mom and I had my brother get my baseball bat from my room. When he gave it to me I hit my father in the back of his head as hard as I could and bashed in the back of his skull. He didn't die then, almost but not. It wasn't until many years later when the seizures that the blow I gave him made him stop breathing in his sleep that he died. What I did finally caught up with him. Now, I know most of you will probably say that I was young and just defending my mother but the truth is that at the time I hated him and his drinking and just wanted him dead. I loved him, and hated him, and worshipped him, and finally I killed him. There is rarely a night that passes that I don't think about setting there in that kitchen and holding his head in my lap as he called out for me.
I don't think I need to go much further into the pains I bear, My best friend/soul mate dying, all the other friends and loved ones. They aren't a point of counting, just something to give you the idea of what it is that makes me tick.
I feel these things every day. Sometimes less and sometimes more so if I sometimes seem distant or morose then please forgive me. I'm just trying to look forward and put all the peices together. I still can't see how they fit. The tears sometimes block my eyes.
With that being said, let's start shall we?
I've noticed something lately, it seems to me that talking about the things that bother us or trying to be serious seems to be rather unpopular with most people around here.
I can understand the fact that most people use this site purely as a form of escape from their hum-drum existence in the really-real world but I feel it's important that everyone who knows me and especially those who call themselves my friend know a bit more about me, specifically the parts that make me the way I tend to be emotionally.
I honestly don't write this now, and never have written anything here or anywhere else on this site to garner anyones pity. It is simply about the way I am. I've been holding this in for quite a while now afraid of what the reaction from some of you might be but I guess it's better to know something of that sort than not to know, right? I hope so.
I am, a very large portion of the time, an extremely depressed and despondant individual. My life has not been an easy one, not that it's been any harder than anyone elses but it's been painful enough for me. More than enough in spots.
Then again I suppose it's not really the pain that's truly important is it? It's trying to learn to live and deal with it now that's the problem.
I am a broken person, I never got the tools I needed to be a whole person. I am the result of an emotionally distant mother who has never known how to truly love anyone, an alcoholic father who I worshipped and eventually killed, an aunt who beat me in the name of God, a grandmother who taught me to fear everything, the drug addictions, the homelessness, and a lifetime of bad desicions and mistakes that I have never learned to forgive myself for.
I hate myself, I truly do. I wish I didn't. I don't do it for attention, or for pity, or for appearences. I don't know how to stop, if I did I would. Just like so many other problems of the mind and heart, I don't have a clue as how to change it.
I don't have low self-esteem issues becuase I have no self-esteem. My opinion of myself is not little, it is all but non-existent.
I use humor as a shield, telling jokes and cracking wise is my armor. I am the funniest person in any given room even if my heart happens to be breaking at that particular moment.
I have learned to forgive others their trespasses against me but I have never once forgiven myself for anything I have ever done or said that has been cross or hurtful toward anyone else.
I'm sure that if you've bothered to read this drivel this far then it must not have been lost on you that above I mentioned that I killed my father. Well, i'm pretty sure that's true. It was a very long time ago and he was very drunk. He was going after my mom and I had my brother get my baseball bat from my room. When he gave it to me I hit my father in the back of his head as hard as I could and bashed in the back of his skull. He didn't die then, almost but not. It wasn't until many years later when the seizures that the blow I gave him made him stop breathing in his sleep that he died. What I did finally caught up with him. Now, I know most of you will probably say that I was young and just defending my mother but the truth is that at the time I hated him and his drinking and just wanted him dead. I loved him, and hated him, and worshipped him, and finally I killed him. There is rarely a night that passes that I don't think about setting there in that kitchen and holding his head in my lap as he called out for me.
I don't think I need to go much further into the pains I bear, My best friend/soul mate dying, all the other friends and loved ones. They aren't a point of counting, just something to give you the idea of what it is that makes me tick.
I feel these things every day. Sometimes less and sometimes more so if I sometimes seem distant or morose then please forgive me. I'm just trying to look forward and put all the peices together. I still can't see how they fit. The tears sometimes block my eyes.
VIEW 25 of 36 COMMENTS
and don't be surprised your self to find a pucker here or there......
its just sharing what was (is still?) a painful memory of waht we casued others and our selves.
its not i seek forgiveness for the thinsg i do, cos i can never really forgive myself ya know! just a kind of release knowing you've said it? aired it and let them know you are sorry for it? regardless of if they care?
so odd really, the human mind and how each person deals with things, i know so many people who couldn't care less about anything and who they hurt?
then thers people like us, who a basically nice guys who hurt people and can never learn to forgive ourselves for that? despite others forgiving us?
such a strange world.
welcoem aboard the beard machine, todays prize will eb an avocado and 17, yes 17 rubber bands, delivery in 5-10 years, no refunds.