I dreamed a beautiful dream last night.
I was with my father and it was one of those days like so many that we spent together in the past.
We were at his fishing spot in Rock Island. The sun was shining and i felt as if i didn't have a care in the world. Like nothing was ever wrong or ever would be.
Then i woke up, and remembered that those days are long gone now. No more care free days. No more fishing, at least not for my dad.
I don't know why i posted what i posted about him and what i did to him. Did i want forgiveness? Understanding? Hatred? Did i want everyone who read it to hate me as much as i hate myself?
I don't know. All i really know is, is that my father is gone and no matter what the true reasons for it that i'm responsible. Responsible for stealing my mothers husband, my brothers father, my uncles and aunts brother, my nieces and nephews uncle, and most signifacantly my childrens pa.
I wish i could say that i did what i did simply to protect my mother and brother but that just not true. Part of me hated my father and wanted him to die, to pay for all the years of pain, and hate, and bullshit that he made us suffer through.
I can still here the sound of it happening, still smell the blood and i remember all to vividly the look on his face when i sat there in the floor cradling his body holding the towel to the back of his head as he called for me.
He didn't call for my mother or my brother, he called for me, the son who had just tried to end his life.
My children tell me on an almost daily basis that they miss their pa and i love them and hold them and give them the comfort that they need so badly all the while thinking to myself that they may one day find out the truth about what i did and if so what will they think of me. Will they hate me for it? Do i deserve their hate for it? I don't know.
More questions, always more questions and never any more answers.
Dear god i miss him. i don't know what to do anymore, and to top it all off i don't even know why i'm writing this. Maybe it will help ease my mind, though i doubt it.
I do know one thing though, i will never expose myself again the way i did yesterday.
I was with my father and it was one of those days like so many that we spent together in the past.
We were at his fishing spot in Rock Island. The sun was shining and i felt as if i didn't have a care in the world. Like nothing was ever wrong or ever would be.
Then i woke up, and remembered that those days are long gone now. No more care free days. No more fishing, at least not for my dad.
I don't know why i posted what i posted about him and what i did to him. Did i want forgiveness? Understanding? Hatred? Did i want everyone who read it to hate me as much as i hate myself?
I don't know. All i really know is, is that my father is gone and no matter what the true reasons for it that i'm responsible. Responsible for stealing my mothers husband, my brothers father, my uncles and aunts brother, my nieces and nephews uncle, and most signifacantly my childrens pa.
I wish i could say that i did what i did simply to protect my mother and brother but that just not true. Part of me hated my father and wanted him to die, to pay for all the years of pain, and hate, and bullshit that he made us suffer through.
I can still here the sound of it happening, still smell the blood and i remember all to vividly the look on his face when i sat there in the floor cradling his body holding the towel to the back of his head as he called for me.
He didn't call for my mother or my brother, he called for me, the son who had just tried to end his life.
My children tell me on an almost daily basis that they miss their pa and i love them and hold them and give them the comfort that they need so badly all the while thinking to myself that they may one day find out the truth about what i did and if so what will they think of me. Will they hate me for it? Do i deserve their hate for it? I don't know.
More questions, always more questions and never any more answers.
Dear god i miss him. i don't know what to do anymore, and to top it all off i don't even know why i'm writing this. Maybe it will help ease my mind, though i doubt it.
I do know one thing though, i will never expose myself again the way i did yesterday.
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Secondly, I read this journal entry and don't know what to think. Are you saying that you literally ended your father's life? (Feel free to email your answer to me privately.) The words that stood out to me were that you did whatever you did to protect your mom and brother. I don't know... I just read what you wrote and I can almost feel the intense pain in your heart. I'm sorry that you're hurting. I am sending you huge hug vibes. I know it doesn't really help, but just know that you are in my thoughts.