josh

Restless.

What the fuck do I want? What am I searching for? I can't figure it out. I have a home, I have a family, I have friends, I have love in various places... I have it all. Why am I not content? Where do you find satisfaction?

I drive on a freeway crowded with people; yet no one cares about each other. Each is simply "another car"; no personality or emotions tied to them. Do I want them to care about each other? I don't think that's it. It's something else. But what motivated me to type that out? Agape isn't something that crosses my mind.

I think my base emotions are fighting. Internal conflict. If you pull yourself in enough directions, you'll rip yourself apart. Emotional void.

There's a gray area. Where you're not affected. Emotions can't touch you. I think it's insanity, though. Wouldn't everything be better off if you didn't feel?

No, it probably wouldn't. Without pain, there can't be joy. Yin and yang. Opposites attract, but also repel. I love and I hate; it's never 100%.

Words are also meaningless without emotions. Without the driving force. Hell, these words are emotions. I think they're called pain. Or maybe anguish. I won't feel it tomorrow; it will be dulled. A throbbing in the back of my soul. Sometimes I can't feel it at all. Is that what happiness is? When you still have emotions, but can't feel the pain?

I don't even know why I feel pain.

Fuck this poetry bullshit.

It's time to face another doomsday dream.