josephene

Dear Friend,

Today began as every Saturday does. Up and at work before the sun greets the day. Waking in the dark is becoming an old habit. Enjoying the solitude of the silence at a radio station seems like a ridicules statement to make, but it was nice. Peacefully alone.

A turn of events took me to a "welcome home" event held in the next town over for some local troops returning home from the middle east. The sacred pure raw emotion in that room was suffocating. I found myself fighting to hold composure as I watched a woman crumble into the arms of her husband. Staring at them as if trying to follow a film in a foreign language, I couldn't look away. He pulled away just enough to pick up the little boy that was pulling on his shirt tale. They both lifted him up between them and the little boy stared at the man. The two looked at one another as if communicating in their own language, before the little boy placed both hands on the soldiers cheeks, and smiled. The tears fell, as did mine. The human emotion of that moment embodied everything my heart desired. To love and be loved in a way that surpasses every boundary that age and cynicism has drawn for me.

I spent time this afternoon, reflecting on my morning and anticipating my evening. A real date. I couldn't remember the last time I had met up with someone just for the sole purpose of spending the evening one on one. Usually my dates begin with "...we were all out drinking and...." I began to get that nervous, school girl feeling in the pit of my stomach, and my mind began to day dream.

I took extra time getting ready tonight, paying special attention to all of my "girlie desires" to play hair and make-up. I felt very beautiful, a little out of my element, but it was a nice vacation.

The knock at the door sent my heart pounding through my chest. This man was no stranger, he was a 'great friend' who had become a 'great friend who's also a great kisser.' There should be no awkwardness, but here it was...fluttering inside of me. He looked great, and his smile put my heart at ease. He had everything physically that I had ever desired in a man. That young dream of prince charming, he embodied my fantasy. His big brown eyes were warming the shivers that were surging through my body.

Off to dinner we went. On "date-night" no less. We should have picked a place further out of town. A realization that became apparent when the fourth couple came by our table and asked if it was me...girl from the radio station...Flattered, but embarrassed, yes, I am. Although the complimentary bottle of wine was nice distraction.

Somewhere after dinner, I began to pick up on some things. My prince charming was something to look at, but he didn't seem to be 'vibing' with me...we didn't seem to be listening to the same song. Running a marathon with someone driving a golf cart. You know how I am, friend...it's gotta click. There's no other way around it. I wasn't giving up though. He seemed very interested in hearing everything about me, but he never laughed at the right places, or ever had anything to say about what I was telling him. Was I expecting too much? My brain is processing, my mouth is talking, and my eyes are drinking him in. Everyone is fighting within me.

Switch gears...let him talk. So, I do. I fight back every sensation to speak and leave the reins of the conversation in his hands...silence. Disappointment is building. I give it another try...ask him a question...nothing about his divorce or work, "have you ever been in a pillow fight?" This is what comes out of my mouth. Either he will laugh and say no, laugh and tell me a funny story, or look at me like I'm crazy. Nothing...he thinks then he says no. So, I push forward...telling him my theory on pillow fights (you know, you were there...) "...and my tough girl attitude was smashed by his pillow throwing skills and I ended up crying in the corner like a little bitch.." to which he asks.."so, did you guys date long?" No, we never dated...he was my friend, remember, like I said from the beginning of the story...90 seconds ago?

This went on for some time...I felt like an EMT trying to revive a corpse who had just spent 3 days in the morgue. It was over. I wasn't feeling this anymore. I got a "headache" and he brought me home. A quick kiss on the cheek and he left. A quick run to the liquor store, and here I am...never alone as long as I have my Bud with me.

So, the more I drink, the more I ponder...the more I question. I had never knew there was more out there until I met you. I never thought of being incomplete until I lost you. Now I'm left searching out that "something more?" Will I die this way, or will I find that piece of the puzzle that will make my life make sense? Will I be the woman who looks back on her life and wish I had settled, or thankful that I didn't. These aren't hard questions to ask, but I fear they will take a lifetime to answer. Life is today...and today I will live until I find my tomorrow.

Love-
Me