jordyn

You know what really blows? When life is filled with blessings it seems like things are thrown in to remind you of reality and to balance it out.

This morning I woke up to my big ol Bear boy (my 10 year old black lab), sneezing blood. It looked so bad where he was sleeping I thought surely he must have a wound some where, no wound, figuring it was just a foxtail stuck up there, I drove him to the vet. I left him to have his nose looked at (they have to put dogs under to be able to search the nose) I got a call saying it wasn't a foxtail, but the tissue in his nose was deformed and abnormal and that they were nearly 100% sure it was cancer. My father made the choice and called it in. I never went back, I couldn't pick up my Bear, they put him down while he was still under, I didn't say goodbye. It was better to just put him down than have him suffer more b/c there was no way to stop the nose bleed or the pain.

I know it's a dog, but he was my big blind watch dog, and he was like a little brother. I don't know what it will be like tonight for my other lab Ziggy, they were inseperable, always cuddled up together. she's so confused that I didn't come home with him.

It's been a hard year with death, losing two grandfathers, two very close friends, and three valley HS people. It's the hardest year I have ever had, with those losses, but I didn't cry as hard as I did today. I made a promise to Bear and Ziggy that it was only little vet trip and he would right back. I know being upset about breaking a promise to the dog seems absurd, but it's not just that, It was a hardy cry for all of my lost friends, no matter what shape and relation they came in to my life as.

What great way to start my b-day week with, but I count my blessings that I could call my bestfriend (though we just had a huge blow out with each other) and have her insist that I drop by her work just so she could sit down give me a hug and console me, that she wouldn't wait till after she was off work. That two seperate friends that happend to call me today, offer without a second thought to come to BC and spend the night. That Wednesday night I wil be with friends celebrating another year. Thank you universe.

And just round things out it cost me $700 (had to max my two credit cards b/c I have $8 to my name in my savings) at the vet and now I have no money to turn the power back on in my apt. till I get paid in two weeks, just in time for me to move out. Back to showering at the gym and Trader Joe's freebie fridays where I get to fight for newly expired food and thank you for top ramen oriental flavor (mmm cheap vegany goodness. YAY!