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jora

Reno, NV

Member Since 2002

Followers 108 Following 81

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Sunday Jul 25, 2004

Jul 25, 2004
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When you feel down, watch this and it will kiss your booboos better! (SOUND REQUIRED)

* I need to keep the above link on my journal for a while to help me keep my sanity in tact. smile

-----------------------

I had a major anxiety attack on Friday night. It came out of nowhere. I actually had a pretty great day, which I cannot often say. All of a sudden, I freaked out and started sobbing and feeling trapped inside my own body. I couldn't get out. I couldn't breathe. I literally tried to climb the walls. I ended up on the bathroom floor in a state of total confusion. Basically, it sucked.

Brian was there to help me through the whole thing. Poor guy. I feel really guilty about him having to deal with my stupid shit. The attack became more about trying to stop because I was so ashamed of him seeing me that way, which only made it worse. The more I tried to stop it, the more out of my mind I got. It scared the Hell out of me because I didnt know why it was happening. I could see no trigger. It made me feel weak and defective, and at that moment, I was sure Brian would leave me. I thought, my freak-outs have scared others before and they abandoned me. Why should he be any different? But he was different.

He talked me down and got me to fall asleep. When I woke up Saturday afternoon, I felt as though I had been hit by a Semi-truck. My head was killing me and all of my muscles ached. I still felt emotionally on edge, but not so freaky about it. He took care of me. Let me be irrational. He ordered pizza, which is always about 50% of feeling better right there. LOL. We watched movies (another comfort thing for me) all day. He let me be a P.J. wearing bum all day with minor bouts of tears.

I can hardly believe that he is real. He was there for me in a way that I never thought possible. I was so vulnerable that he could have destroyed me at any moment, but instead he cared for me. My view of our love changed after all of this. I think I am ready to truly believe that he loves me. I mean, how could he not? He put up with the crazy me that I hide from everyone, including myself. He was, and is, my anchor, my rock. Its bizarre how we can be strong just when the other one of us needs it the most. We balance each other, center each other. It blows my mind.

So, yeahwork sucks and my mother sucks, but Brian makes all of that okay. Amazing. biggrin
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
knine:
anxiety sucks ass......... i back around again i hope we can get caught back up
Aug 3, 2004
schleprock:
I am so glad that you found some one special and that he can help you throuhg the hard times.

The kitties are having a hard time getting used to each other. Taco is the smallest cat in the house but has managed to put herself near the top of the pecking order. I'll get phots of all of them soon.

big hugs to you.

ROdney
Aug 3, 2004

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