To clarify about my feelings on the new truck from mom issue...
*Yes, she IS immature. That's the point. I've tried the whole stick to the point thing and she won't do it.
*My mother IS the type of person who gives gifts and expects something in return, usually emotionally. She gives money to a lot of people at work anonymously, but makes sure they find out it was her that did it. It sickens me to watch her do this every Christmas.
*Yes, she has been in therapy for FOUR years and still tells me how she knows more than her Doc. and how he thinks she is the "most complex person" he has ever known. Wow. Isn't she unique and special. She wants everyone to think so.
*After much thought and thinking about her past patterns with me (and others) in regards to gifts, I don't think I am going to take the new truck. The tricky part is how to let her down easy. I must do it in the most polite way possible or she will go out and buy one anyway and leave it at my house OR she will get VERY pissed and...yell, cry...whatever she chooses at the moment. I was thinking of proposing a compromise to make her happy and also have it be something that I can live with. I think I'll just ask her to have my current truck tuned up (the works) and maybe custom painted. She won't be spending the $25,000 she wants to spend and my truck will be good for another ten years with no change in my insurance costs.
And another thing that I resent, a few years ago I asked her if she would help me with the down payment on a house and she refused. She said, "You can have my money when I'm dead." - one of her daily suicide threats, and also said that since I wasn't getting married (I don't want to do that ever, I don't think), I don't deserve her help. But now, she wants to fork out that same money for a truck that I don't need???
This "gift" is all about HER and has nothing to do with me. I'm 99% in my decision to refuse it. I just need to plan a time to sit her down and break the news. Oh Lordy, help me. It could get ugly.
Thanks for your comments, everyone. I have to go to bed now. Tomorrow is going to be a messed up day because it's the day before my two days off. That means chaos and overtime. Ack!!
Sleep tight,
jora33
*Yes, she IS immature. That's the point. I've tried the whole stick to the point thing and she won't do it.
*My mother IS the type of person who gives gifts and expects something in return, usually emotionally. She gives money to a lot of people at work anonymously, but makes sure they find out it was her that did it. It sickens me to watch her do this every Christmas.
*Yes, she has been in therapy for FOUR years and still tells me how she knows more than her Doc. and how he thinks she is the "most complex person" he has ever known. Wow. Isn't she unique and special. She wants everyone to think so.
*After much thought and thinking about her past patterns with me (and others) in regards to gifts, I don't think I am going to take the new truck. The tricky part is how to let her down easy. I must do it in the most polite way possible or she will go out and buy one anyway and leave it at my house OR she will get VERY pissed and...yell, cry...whatever she chooses at the moment. I was thinking of proposing a compromise to make her happy and also have it be something that I can live with. I think I'll just ask her to have my current truck tuned up (the works) and maybe custom painted. She won't be spending the $25,000 she wants to spend and my truck will be good for another ten years with no change in my insurance costs.
And another thing that I resent, a few years ago I asked her if she would help me with the down payment on a house and she refused. She said, "You can have my money when I'm dead." - one of her daily suicide threats, and also said that since I wasn't getting married (I don't want to do that ever, I don't think), I don't deserve her help. But now, she wants to fork out that same money for a truck that I don't need???
This "gift" is all about HER and has nothing to do with me. I'm 99% in my decision to refuse it. I just need to plan a time to sit her down and break the news. Oh Lordy, help me. It could get ugly.
Thanks for your comments, everyone. I have to go to bed now. Tomorrow is going to be a messed up day because it's the day before my two days off. That means chaos and overtime. Ack!!
Sleep tight,
jora33
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
Thoughts on the gift of the truck...
It is possible that some part of her enjoys those moments when you have been caring towards her recently, and this gift idea could be (partially) a crude attempt on her part to get more kindness from you.
Every human being has needs... kindness from their sons or daughters surely being high on the list of many. Maybe as she is getting older this need is increasing.
If you feel up to it, you could politely refuse the new truck, discuss letting her get that tune up for you instead (tell her it is more appropriate), and then totally independently of it all you can continue trying to be "a good daughter" with an altruistic intent. She may not be capable of repaying your kindness in any real fashion, but that's the way it is sometimes...
On the other hand if you are struggling financially but she can easily afford to help, then accepting your family's help is normal in that situation. Although then you might as well just politely ask her for the house down payment instead of the truck.
At the end of the day, any gift is basically the opposite of a hostile gesture, so it is a good sign that you may be on the road to working things out with her slowly.
And remember the past exists only in our memories, sometimes it is worth putting other people's mistakes behind us and giving them a fresh start...
But this is only general, naturally I am unable to say anything specific to your situation, only you know what is best.
[Edited on Aug 21, 2003]
I not only think you have your mother pegged, but she may also be my mother. ok not really, but my mom lives this same "giving with strings" deal. you gotta love it.
ok, no you dont. hehe