Again, I feel like I havent updated in a long time. Maybe because I have become a shell of myself since starting this new job.
Venty-venty-rant-rant:
Yes, I need the job. I need the money. I cant seem to figure out how to hold a full-time job AND not have my spirit crushed into a million pieces. How do people do this every day? I am that much more weak than everyone else? It kills me just trying to interact with most people. They are crazy and insensitive and dont seem to care about anything important.
I hate money. I hate what it makes me have to do. I hate what it makes me lose. And having to pay rent sucks my ass.
The Mombeast is trying to kill me. Just a bit at a time. She is a mean and manipulative person who doesnt care one crap about me. She doesnt even know who I am. If I had a kid, I would want to know them, you know? I was gonna moan, Oh, why did she even have me?, but that would imply that I dont appreciate my life. Okay, I may not appreciate MY life, but I appreciate life in general. And, I KNOW why she had me. She wanted a little person in her own image to yes her to death and loooove her no matter what. Once I started to get a mind of my own (at 6 or so), she bailed on me emotionally. Real nice. I seriously think people should have to get licensed to have kids.
I hate my ugly, messy, low-quality apartment. There is crap everywhere. I look around and I feel like a 15 year old slob, which is probably where I am mentally. I lack the energy to clean, and once I do, life happens and everything gets messed up again. Why the hell didnt I do more when I was working from home??? I barely have time now to do anything. Its all I can do to keep clean clothes in the closet for work.
And I hate so-called friends who try to manipulate me. I have a long-time friend (over 20 years) that I can no longer have in my life as things are now. I told her this and now she is all over me with phone messages trying to get me to call her. Ive explained my position tons of times to her and she refuses to get it. I dont feel that she adds anything positive to my life and I just cant have anymore people / things drag me down. She keeps calling and projecting all of my issues like they are hers. WTF?? Get a hint and quit calling me. I have nothing to say at this time. Jeez!
Ive been feeling bitchy a lot. Here are some gratitudes to balance things out:
- Microwave popcorn.
- The way my kitty, Martina, purrs when I eat a hummus sandwich because she wants some.
- Soundscapes channel on Comcast because I can actually relax when I listen to it.
- Reading. There is nothing better than a good book.
- Mackies (my fugly dog) little weird dances she does the ballerina, the Rambo, the push-back, the spindle, etc.
- That I am not homeless like so many people I saw when I went to SF the other night. I should remember how lucky I truly am.
Okay. Done now.
Venty-venty-rant-rant:
Yes, I need the job. I need the money. I cant seem to figure out how to hold a full-time job AND not have my spirit crushed into a million pieces. How do people do this every day? I am that much more weak than everyone else? It kills me just trying to interact with most people. They are crazy and insensitive and dont seem to care about anything important.
I hate money. I hate what it makes me have to do. I hate what it makes me lose. And having to pay rent sucks my ass.
The Mombeast is trying to kill me. Just a bit at a time. She is a mean and manipulative person who doesnt care one crap about me. She doesnt even know who I am. If I had a kid, I would want to know them, you know? I was gonna moan, Oh, why did she even have me?, but that would imply that I dont appreciate my life. Okay, I may not appreciate MY life, but I appreciate life in general. And, I KNOW why she had me. She wanted a little person in her own image to yes her to death and loooove her no matter what. Once I started to get a mind of my own (at 6 or so), she bailed on me emotionally. Real nice. I seriously think people should have to get licensed to have kids.
I hate my ugly, messy, low-quality apartment. There is crap everywhere. I look around and I feel like a 15 year old slob, which is probably where I am mentally. I lack the energy to clean, and once I do, life happens and everything gets messed up again. Why the hell didnt I do more when I was working from home??? I barely have time now to do anything. Its all I can do to keep clean clothes in the closet for work.
And I hate so-called friends who try to manipulate me. I have a long-time friend (over 20 years) that I can no longer have in my life as things are now. I told her this and now she is all over me with phone messages trying to get me to call her. Ive explained my position tons of times to her and she refuses to get it. I dont feel that she adds anything positive to my life and I just cant have anymore people / things drag me down. She keeps calling and projecting all of my issues like they are hers. WTF?? Get a hint and quit calling me. I have nothing to say at this time. Jeez!
Ive been feeling bitchy a lot. Here are some gratitudes to balance things out:
- Microwave popcorn.
- The way my kitty, Martina, purrs when I eat a hummus sandwich because she wants some.
- Soundscapes channel on Comcast because I can actually relax when I listen to it.
- Reading. There is nothing better than a good book.
- Mackies (my fugly dog) little weird dances she does the ballerina, the Rambo, the push-back, the spindle, etc.
- That I am not homeless like so many people I saw when I went to SF the other night. I should remember how lucky I truly am.
Okay. Done now.