jora

Well, I didnt go to the girly lunch today and Ive cancelled my plans for tonight. I am sad about it.

Reason beingI recently saw my doctor and she put me on new meds. It was quite an emotional visit, which sucked. I ended up crying in front of her, which I hated. Brian was there to comfort me, but I swear, I feel so discouraged. I just want to feel better, damn it.

So, the doc confirmed that I am suffering from a deep depression. No kidding. But, she also said that she thinks I am bi-polar. This on top of my stress and anxiety just made me break down. I am sick of being defective! I am tired of being told that pills are the way to go. Ive tried life without pills and that is no better. So, here I go again medicating. Grr.

One of the side effects is being super mood-swingy until I balance out. They arent kidding. I go from laughing hysterically, to sobbing, to being really super pissed for no apparent reason. I feel like I am going crazy and Brian is being put through the wringer of ickyness. I got all pissed last night. I was frustrated about something normal and it suddenly exploded into rage. Then Brian thinks I am mad at him even though I told him it wasnt him and that I was just feeling mad. Period.

The weird thing is, we also are reading a book about hypnosis. Brian tried some basic hypnosis on me and surprise, it actually worked.

He planted all sorts of feel-good suggestions in my mind on Friday night and yesterday, I literally bounced out of bed (note: this is NOT normal!!!! I am NOT a morning person) and made us breakfast (which I havent done in months). Then I was all Weeee! We went to renew our apartment lease for another year and then we took our ugly little dog to a dog park I found nearby. Our pup wasnt enjoying the other dogs, so we walked her all over another nearby park on her leash. It was a lovely day, all and all. I havent felt so good in more than a year. The murmur in my mind was quiet and I was so happy about that, that I almost cried tears of joy.

Then, I took that damn pink pill (mood stabilizer) and within hours I was very angry, bitchy and drowsy. Nothing more fun that a mean bitch who slurs her words. I sounded like a really mean drunk or something. My anger felt irrational. It was scary.

Oh, and to top it off, the mombeast is being super f**ked to me lately. She is completely NOT understanding at ALL about my mental state and what it means for my daily life. She harps on me to get a job (no shit, Ive been looking!) and making sure that Brian is happy (because anyone who has me for a girlfriend MUST be unhappy) and then acts angry when I told her what the doc said and that I am on new meds. All I can say is, she better not call during one of my dark moments or she will probably hear some screaming. I normally hold it in to try to be civil, but I seem to have no control lately.

I hope I can get up early tomorrow. Ive been groggy as hell lately. We are taking Beau and Justin to the vet AGAIN for a follow-up visit. Oh the joy of cat carriers and a truck that seats two!!! Argh!