jooniper

Its been sort of an awkward and emotional couple of days. First of all Shauna moved out yesterday morning without much reason or any warning, after having acted quite strangely for a couple days previously, although she swore everything was OK. I havent talked to her once since then. I know it hasnt been long, but weve spent every moment of free time together for the last 5 weeks, so it just feels strange. Her phone isnt working, and shes made no attempt to contact me, soI guess Im kind of depressed and moreover just perplexed about it. And angry. I guess its fair to admit that Im pissed about it. I made a lot of sacrifices for her and was putting a lot of thought and energy into what else I could do to make her life easier and then she just dropped off the face of the planet as soon as it became slightly inconvenient for her.

So yesterday I spent lots of money on superfluous items and broke things and screamed obscenities in my car, because thats how I deal.

Then today my family all met up at my Grandmas house to visit with my dads cousin Martha and her family, who are visiting from Maryland. The whole family is under pressure right now because of my Grandmas health. She has emphysema and has been in and out of the hospital for the last year or so. Right now is particularly bad because in the last week Grandma, who has always been an amazingly quick-witted lady, has been forgetting the layout of the house that shes lived in for the last 30 years, forgetting the names of some of her children (she has 10), and telling stories about the elephant that lives in her bathroom. Its possible that it comes from some changes in medication or something, but, seeing that her older brother, Barton suffered from Alzheimers before his death a few years back, the family is sort of ready for the worst.

So tonight we (Grandma, my dad, 4 of his siblings, my cousins Lauren and Nick, Nicks girlfriend Cherelle, and me) had dinner with Martha and her family and sat and talked and all seemed well. Grandma seemed refreshingly sociable.

After dinner I went upstairs for a bit to do some work on my uncles comp, but had to run back downstairs because I heard rusting in Grandmas room over the system of baby monitors set up in the house, and I figured Grandma had somehow slipped away from the family and gone into her room without assistance, which is something that shes not supposed to do. I was correct. I found her wrestling her oxygen tubes trying to get into bed. My dad had walked in at the same time I did, so he was assisting her, but as I stood there making sure everything was OK, she looked up at me and jumped a bit, and then her eyes studied my face for a moment and I could tell that she didnt recognize me. The woman that practically raised me was searching for familiarity in my face.

I fucking lost it.
I went in the bathroom and slunk down on the floor and bawled. I was fighting it and fighting it and fighting it, but for at least 15 minutes, I couldnt get a hold of myself. I could hear Martha and her family getting ready to leave, and I was hurriedly splashing cold water on my face and trying to will the redness out of my eyes. Then, my aunt Kathy started calling for me. I tried to yell back but she couldnt hear me. All of the sudden blood starts spurting out of my nose, and running down off my chin onto my shirt and onto the floor. So I clutch a wad of tissue to my face and peek my head out the door to tell Aunt Kathy that I havent disappeared, and my dad comes nearer to see whats the matter. However, I have learned from many childhood injuries that my dad will often faint at the sight of blood (especially mine), so I turned my back to him and hunkered over the puddle of blood on the floor and started yelling, Dont look, Dad! Dont worry about it. So then Dad was totally confused and Im hurriedly trying to clean blood off of me and the floor, which of course only makes the blood come faster, and this creates a crowd at the door of the bathroom, with everyone peering in while Im trying to explain that its just a little nosebleed and I get them all the time. When my dad walked away I turned around and my aunts saw the blood on my shirt and gasped dragged me to the kitchen to try and clean it off. Everyone re-congregated in the kitchen to gawk as I stood there with a bloody wad of tissues to my face as each of my aunts scrubbed at one of my tits.

What a lovely evening.

So now Im back at home, and Im really lightheaded. That was the worst nosebleed ever. Im supposed to go to Joshs, but I think I might flake on him for the millionth time this summer. I feel really bad, but its because hes a live-in aid for this guy whos got all these mental problemsI cant remember the name of this one particular disease he has, but it causes him to compulsively drink any liquid that may be around, whether it be soda or Clorox or whatever. So, the house is built in a particular fashion that allows every cabinet and drawer to be locked. Its sort of freaky. But the main thing is that he also is a 35-year-old with the mindset of a 5-year old, so he likes to hug everyone, including me, and hes a particularly large, smelly, drooling guy who likes to hug tight and for long periods of time. If I were in a more stable mindset, I might be able to put up with it for Joshs sake, but I get freaked out really easily. Im a ball of raw nerves, and I dont need that kind of interaction. Maybe I should just explain that to Josh so that he doesnt take it personally, but it makes me feel so shallow.

Oh, also, yesterday I decided to post the letter from Toms lawyer and my thoughts about it on myspace, which is where my original writings that prompted the whole ordeal with Tom and his lawyer were posted. This time I did it f/o on my blog, so its less likely that it will be seen by Tom, unless whoever relayed it to him in the first place happens to be on my f/l. I was given 5 business days to remove postings that are defamatory, so basically Im doing exactly the opposite of what was asked, but I really cant see them following this any further unless his lawyer is as bull-headed as he is. Its occurred to me too that he might decide to take it to court and walk in there with a made-up story about the same incident, seeing as he and I were the only ones there and theres no proof for either of us, but that would be a major pain in the ass for all involved, and hes too tight with his money anyhow, so I really doubt it.