jonnyjonnyh

So here it is finally. A report from my journey into the desert. This isn't the completed paper for my class. This is basically my journal with some reflections.
If you have any questions about any of it, or even if you have a question like, "how can I do that?" Then please, feel free to ask.
So without further ado:

Jonathan Hamilton
PSYCHOLOGY OF WILDERNESS EXPERIENCE: PSYT 520
8/1/04
During the first day of my vision fast I had a dream. Nancy and I were driving to the College of Santa Fe. I was informed that this high ranking guy in the theatre wanted to talk to me about returning. When we got there I went into the Greer Garson Theatre and I met this guy. He was some kind of director and teacher. He was excited that I was considering a return to the theatre there.

He then started comparing me to Matt Dillon and said that I have a unique character voice. He also said that he loved me in some play, but even in the dream I knew that I wasnt really in that play. Around that time a class enters, and I spend some time with some people who I havent seen since I left Sante Fe.

In this dream I had only been gone from the College of Santa Fe for a semester. In reality its been almost three years. In the dream as Nancy and I were walking across the parking lot to the car I said to her, I have other dreams now.

This is the first conscious realization of the vision fast. I am already beginning to let go of my worry. It also reconfirms my decision to leave New Mexico for Boulder, CO. Looking back that was one of the first major decisions that I have done on my own. My intention for my vision fast is to mark the transition into adulthood. I find it interesting that I can buy a car from a neighbor, pack up my things, and move to Boulder while I still see myself as an adolescent.

Vision Fast- Day 2: It rained for a while last night. Clouds are gathering as I write this. Today is physically much harder then yesterday. My head is pounding. I keep getting nauseous. I threw up a lot of water earlier.

I find Solace in Miko Usuis fast on the mountain. It was on the 21st day at his most weakened state, in the dark of the last night that he received his vision and became attuned to Reiki. Each night he climbed up on a rock and tossed a rock out over the mountain. Ive started to do the same thing. I find the biggest rock I can pick up and I throw it off down into the canyon.

There isnt much for me to do in this weakened state. I read my Reiki manuals and practice. I mean, whats a better time to work on your contemplative practice? Then I sit Zazen and focus on my intention. The third step of this cycle is to lay down and rest. Then when something happens that I wish to remember, I write. Which reminds me why I am writing right now in the first place.

There was a white underbellied bird with black and brown top feathers. It looked very similar to a sparrow. I was laying down and the bird landed about eight feet from me and right in front of my eyes. I eased my breathing as to make as little movement as possible. The bird hopped around me for about two minutes, then it flew deeper down into the canyon.

Vision Fast: Day 3-
My guess is that I it is approximately ten in the morning. That means I am about sixty hours into the fast.

Last night there was a rainbow. I saw it between the third and fourth storms. I just sat there and watched it for awhile. It was breathtaking the way it broke across the open land to the east and landed near some more canyons to the southeast.

At sunset last night I held a death lodge. It lasted for hours. The wood I had collected was so dry and brittle that I had to keep going off to collect more wood during the entire ceremony. In the death lodge I called out, one by one, everyone that I have ever met basically. I would then say out loud the things they did that hurt me. Then I would thank them for what I learned from them, and the wonderful things that they have done for me. It is an excellent way to release and let go of anger, hate, and pain. The JedIs would say its a good way to avoid the dark side. The Buddhists would say its a good way to release stored Karma.

I have a buddy and a check-in spot. I go in the morning and place a rock in the circle to show that I have been there. I have also been leaving notes of encouragement and song lyrics.

Now and again it seems worse then it is, is a lyric from the Bright Eyes song, Something Vague. It has become sort of my mantra out here. I often sing this song down into the canyon. Whenever I am overcome with sickness or just a lack of energy I say to myself, Now and again it seems worse then it is. It is also a lyric that I have left for Emily who is my check-in partner.

Emily is a masters Art Therapy student. She visits our spot in the afternoon. She has art supplies with her and she made me a panting. It shows the fire I built Tuesday morning at base camp when I was the first one up. It was the first fire I have ever built by myself. The painting also has sagebrush, which is everywhere here. Where my ground pad and sleeping bag are is flanked on each side by sage. I smell its aromatic incense constantly. Its wonderful. I made a pact with a spider the day before my solo, so Emily painting the spider as well. The upper right of the painting shows the thunderstorms that we have been having here often, and sometimes a few times a day. The last part is a blue and black circular object. I see it as the great beyond, or then influence of the universe as one. She then signed it with a small scorpion next to her name. The night I was visited by the spider Emily was visited by a scorpion.

Today will be the last time I visit my spot and leave something for Emily. Tomorrow we will meet at our spot after sunrise, and walk back to base camp together. I am coming to terms with the end of my time alone in the desert, and so I am leaving Emily the lyrics to Thumbing My Way by Pearl Jam, i have not been home since you left long ago, i'm thumbing my way back to heaven, counting steps, walking backwards on the road, i'm counting my way back to heaven.