jonas

geesh, it's been awhile.

i was thinking that my 9 bucks a month is well spent to be able to come back here and check inevery so often. maybe i'll start another suicide girls crush and get real active again. or maybe i'll just float in an out of this world with a comfortable familiarity. that's good enough for me.

i've been very busy lately and coming unwound again as i tend to do these years. i'm now able to recognize my cycles and patterns and determine their root causes and know the course of my behavior so well that if defies all sense that i continue. there is improvement and i am essentially functional, but i have finally determined that all is not quite right with how i turned out. nobody's fault, nothing that can't be overcome or outgrown, but i get to have an elaborate drama of compulsions, afflictions and ... well... crap to deal with.

i know that everyone, in their own way, has a tough time with life. i believe that nobody is immune to life's struggle. yet i can imagine nothing worse than having everything and still feeling unfulfilled or unhappy. what would be left to make you feel better? what if the excuse that your life sucks because you have a shitty job or a broke down car or nobody wants to fuck you or whatever it is that you decide is such a problem were gone, what would you do?

we have the luxury of allowing simple problems become huge ordeals. if it weren't for our priveleged standard of living we wouldn't have time to fret over most of the trivial garbage that consumes us and prevents us from enjoying every moment for what it is: a gift. it is a gift to be here (alive, on planet earth that is) that will be gone in an instant. enjoy it while you can.

so that's what i'm trying to do. enjoy my problems. appreciate them for their flavor and if for nothing else... they give me something important to do. i get to work these things out. someday i can soak in the warm glow of surviving that greatest threat to my joy, my success and my longevity: myself