joleigh

long enough
times passed
three to four years
and trying to proceed in a normal fashion without the abuse of this or that


sick of dependency on something so, so, so, well such a waste
of feelings, and emotions

it feels good for the then
and I can forget the head shakes
and disapproval
the disgust
the changes of conversation
the rolling of eyes
the lack of interest
and the lack of touch
the silence, because numbness would conquer all
and I would find it in any form I could
liquid grains, and or self medication

but option B consists of retching and second guessing

when all is said and done
and she is clean
she regurgitates all previous facts that she can't just ignore anymore
because eyes are open and the grass is so green

and I can sense it in the way you stand
tension

and at the pace these wheels have been turning it just doesn't seem too attractive
me to you, or you to me


(I make myself sick thinking of how censored and insecure I became in your presence)
my total disregard for posture and poise

I hate the way I hold my tongue
only when you walk in the door
shoulders tense
eyes turn to the floor
and wishing....
please please please
be a good day

it was always hussssssh
or quiet down
staring at me with dead eyes
you never said a word about it, its all in body language and tones

can you even feel a thing?

the more I think about it, the more I think I dosed to get a better understanding of what your world looked like
"she is young"
no good sir
your younger then me in more ways then one...
selfishness and pride are two different worlds

and IT IS NOT WRONG
that I find happiness in the little things

I am fully aware that I am too intense
and its not really fair that
you didn't mind me when I would dumb myself down
and choke on all excitement

you really made me think

second guess

and try to change

but one way streets are short, and closed in

does it make sense that it just hurt to bad to say anything?

you couldn't give me an inch
or a break
I felt pressure at every turn
intentional or not
that's how it felt
and you never heard my voice until I was sobbing or screaming
and that
in retrospect
is not SANE
for you or I

its not a blame I place
because as an adult
decisions are made on your own

but the pressure to feel
as though I have to censor, and not discuss
made me use things that work in the numbing process
I honestly wanted nothing more then to be
that everything
to you
but when the sun rises and I know I can't step foot out of bed
without reaching into a drawer
to swallow another and another, in hopes that I could just subside, and mold into whatever you wanted

or the other option is cold sweats

its time to quit
in every sense



funny how when I break away I get clean
and want it that way
want it more then anything
and this smile that I wore as a mask
is actually for the first time becoming genuine

its a shame because I feel like you know me more then anyone, yet in that same thought you only know me at my worst, because at my best you wanted nothing to do with me


I am way too intelligent to ruin myself in such a clique way

for the record
this is the last time I plan on getting clean
quitting this time
actually feels good
purging all impurities
sweating out all the little things