johnnythsaint

I don't know about anybody else, but I've been feeling very bi-polar lately. One moment I'm deciding what I'll be doing in the days after I've conquered the world and the next I'm a LOT more than halfway convinced that so many of the things I'm working for are destined to be just out of reach until they fade away or turn to dust. There are a lot of situations I'm feeling pretty powerless over right now and even though I've made my peace with the fact that I can't control the universe, I still feel pretty bad when I know I'm at the mercy of whatever powers there may be out there. I've had some really great days just recently, but then I've had some of the most humbling moments and almost all of this has been internal. Of course it's been directed by things externally to some extent, but a lot of it has just been about the way one event or issue strikes me at different times. Right now I'm feeling like all the people that have a good grip on me emotionally are so far away and I really need someone nearby to prop me up for a bit. I mean, I have no family here, most of my friends are all tied up in their own shit and some of my closest friends are ten hours away at least, my mom is out of the country currently, my daughter is too many states away, the one person I want to be with relationship wise is looking less and less like it's ever gonna happen and I'm walking around tied up in knots over all of that. But then I'll wake up tomorrow feeling bulletproof, so who knows? Maybe I'm just losing my mind, maybe I need to get back on some meds or maybe I just need some forward motion in my life, everything feels like it's on hold or moving backwards right now. I'm not looking for pity or sympathy, I'm not really even looking for any advice here, I just wanted to get some of this out of my head so I can think clearly for a little while. I'm starting to hit that point where I'm doing stupid shit just to be doing SOMETHING, so I know I need to clear my head before I make a REALLY stupid move and fuck myself up royally. I do have a history of getting myself into deep shit when I start feeling this way. I'm fighting with myself right now...I can't figure out if I wanna come clean on some things I'm starting to feel really strongly about or just throw it away before I let it get me into trouble. There's a few things that I really really want right now, but they're just a bit beyond my reach in a few different ways and I'm having trouble convincing myself that I'm ever going to be in a position to realistically obtain them, so I don't know how much I want to continue torturing myself by trying to figure out a way to get them at this point. Is it better to hold onto those dreams to maintain hope or just let them go to keep my feet planted on the ground? Am I the only one who goes through this shit every so often? Am I just blowing shit out of proportion? I know that the things I'm going back and forth on are important things and it does make me happy to think of them and to plan to reach those goals, but at this point I really don't know how realistic my goals are and if they are eventually obtainable, when? And what is it actually going to take to get there?

Well, I won't take up anymore space on here with this navel gazing shit. I needed to get that out somewhere and this seemed like the easiest place to do it. Sorry if it was all really vague, but it was more for me than anybody else and it probably won't be up for long anyway, so I don't wanna hear any bitching.