joebill

Whenever the topic of tattoos comes up in conversation, people are usually confused when I tell them that one of my future acquisitions is a scene from Bride of Frankenstein. When they ask why I'd want that, I tell them that I've compared myself to the Frankenstein monster for years and it just seems appropriate.

This usually leads to the "Oh, come on, you're being too hard on yourself" speach. Truth is, I'm not too hard on myself. People don't seem to understand that I actually think I'm the best thing going today. But I understand from experience that no one seems to agree with me.

But let's look at the Frankenstein monster comparison.

- Physical appearance: While I am no giant, I stand about 6'4 or 6'5" which is fairly tall. Along with the height comes fairly long arms and legs. The most noticeable "over-sized" body parts, however, are probably my hands, or more specifically my fingers. I don't have huge, bear-paw type hands. They're just long. Which means when they're hanging at my sides on the aforementioned long arms, it adds to that giant-like appearance. Unlike the monster, however, I'm actually quite skinny, but that adds to the facial resemblance. I don't look like a walking skeleton, but I'm not as far removed from it as most people I see. This compares well to the monster, who was made from reanimated corpses of the recently deceased. They didn't have plump, healthy looking faces, but they hadn't completely fallen away either.

- Feared on sight: This is one I've never been able to understand. But, there is no denying its existence. Mothers will grab their young children and moved them between themselves and the shelves if they see me coming down the aisle in a grocery store. When I was in a band a few years ago and people would come up to talk to us after a show, most of them would talk to the singer because he was the singer, then most of the chicks and a few of the dudes would talk to the drummer, because he was the "looker" in the band (and also very talented). A decent number of them would try to talk to my brother, but he has hearing loss, and would usually just smile and nod until they walked away. Then two of them would quickly walk by me, with the braver of them giving me a quick nod and fake smile. I've never been dumped in person. The bravest chick did it over the phone, even though she'd seen me the night before. Other memorable shit-cannings include a chick who just stopped answering my calls, then actually ran and hid in the middle of a Wal-Mart when she saw me talking to some people from work, and another chick who gave me the "just friends" routine over Myspace despite have seen me not an hour prior. That in itself wouldn't be so bad, but she randomly included the line "it's not because I'm afraid of you," even though no one had said anything about her being afraid of me.

- The brain issue: In the monster's case, he was given an abnormal brain. In my case, I have been diagnosed with depression, social anxiety disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder (with, of course, those lovely panic attacks). While these things became an issue for me when I was about 14, they weren't diagnosed until I was about 19. For whatever reason, it never occurred to me that it could be a medical condition. I just figured that was how I had turned out and I was screwed up. While I began to notice improvement soon after beginning treatment, it has only been in the last couple years or so, after many changes in dosage, medication, then dosage again, that I've began to feel like I'm truly making progress. There are also incidents that have shaped how I view and interact with people. The most interesting, perhaps, being the time I was set on fire while around 15 people (at least 2 of which were supposed to be my friends) laughed about it. A definite authority figure was just a few feet away, but did nothing. While that incident is the worst in a "holy shit" kind of way, there are others that I just don't feel like sharing with a bunch of strangers, and I'm actually making peace with after nearly 19 years.

The monster wasn't a bad guy, he just had a brain that functioned differently from those around him. While I haven't thrown any little girls into ponds when we ran out of flowers, the monster didn't mean anything by even that. The flowers were nice, and they floated. So when they ran out, he figured the little girl was nice, she'd float too. Of course, she didn't.

- Acceptance by children and "outcasts": The monster was easily accepted by the aforementioned little girl, as well as the old blind man that nobody gave a damn about. I mentioned mothers moving their children away from me. The kids themselves, however, usually seem to love me. A few years ago, I even heard one tell his mom that he wanted to look like me for Halloween. This did not seem to please her. But the vast majority of kids take to me right away. I also seem to have a track record of being easily accepted by (and usually making friends with) people with various medical conditions that have left them on the fringe. They don't seem to give a damn about whatever it is that most other people seem to see and I don't care if they're not exactly what most people would want to call "normal" whether physically or mentally.

Which brings us to the Bride, and why she would be in the tattoo instead of just the monster. I'm actually quite the romantic, and have always wanted that "one love" that I could happily call mine the rest of my life. Unfortunately, I have a hard time meeting chicks that I even want to go on a date with, and then most of those are afraid of me. The monster also wanted companionship. I have, on one or two occasions, met a young lady that I felt was made to be with me. In the monster's case, she actually WAS. At least the outcome was better for me: one just wasn't interested but handled things the right way and we're cool. I'm finally over her. The other ended over the phone, as I mentioned earlier. The final slivers of that one are slipping away and will be gone soon. In the monster's case, she screamed when she saw him. So I guess I'm doing okay in that department at least.

Maybe you think I've put too much thought into this. Maybe you think I'm fucked up. Maybe you understand. I don't give of myself or open up very often, about anything, and tonight I felt like actually explaining something about myself. I'm not sure what to think of the fact that I chose to do it where strangers on the internet could see it, instead of in a way that people I see and interact with could maybe understand at least something about me.