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jodi_marie

Oregon

Member Since 2005

Followers 42 Following 73

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Sunday Oct 16, 2005

Oct 15, 2005
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Tonight I have not stopped crying. I AM SICK OF ALL THE BULLSHIT. I'm not going around badmouthing you. I am in pain too. I want to talk to you, I am worried about you and contrary to your beliefs I DO CARE and I would call but your "out with friends", and thats fine, at least your not sitting at home by yourself. I am. I hate the situation. All I can do is hope you answer when I call...

If only I could count the number of times that suicide has crossed my mind in the past week. I don't know what I believe happens when a person dies. I don't know if I believe in Heaven or Hell, and I don't know if I believe that God exists. But right now, not having an answer to any of those, it seems like, "hmm, maybe death wouldn't be too bad of an alternative. It could be an adventure and it would get me out of all of the shit that i'm stewing in right now."

And to think, I used to be afraid of blood. now, the sight of it is welcome. And please no lectures on how thats not healthy. I know that, and really I don't care. I have my way of coping with things and i've been doing it for years, and guess whatt?! I'm still fucking here.

Yes, this entry is a pity party to me. Get over it. Right now I hate the fact that I will prolly have to get up tommorow. And that I have to spend my week going to work, and school and taking tests, and going to the doctor. That is how my life is summed up and right now, its not getting me anywhere. Is it making me happier? NO. Is it going to make me feel productive? Prolly not i'll just feel like a slacker because I haven't studied for my midterm, I go to work and sit on my ass after my boss leaves, and talking to my doctor, well he'll just throw me on more meds.

I just want to say FUCK YOU WORLD. I dont care its all just nothingness.

*edit*
I made a promise to someone last night, that if he stops drinking, I will stop cutting. I know I can do this. Even though i'm having and urge right now. But i'm writing about it instead of doing it...so someone be proud of me please
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
kreatinkaos:
I hope you are coping better now smile
Oct 17, 2005
yumchen:
Living is hell. I truly believe that. We get through all this day to day shit to live for those few moments of real love and happiness that are heaven.

I think I know some of what you are feeling and hope it passes soon so you can see again into the goodness that life can be.

I lived in Eugene up till last year. I just thought it was strange coming across your journal like I did and you are so close to my home.

Hope things are better soon,
Joy
Oct 17, 2005

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