well...the jeebus tricked me into thinking that i was feeling better. I actaully feel quite terrible. I'm having one of those what is my life all about days. I hate it. I wish i could turn my head off and just sleep it all off. Not going to happen. i realised when i was home in washington that my perfect family is not all that perfect and as i've grown up i had this image in my head that itself is so twisted. I'm very thankful that i have had the opportunity to be away from them and become my own person uninfluenced by the thing that is keeping them all so tormented. that's the only word i can think of to describe it. For you writers out there my family would make a great story. A grandmother who stood up for herself after 42 years of abuse only to have the locks changed on her and divorce papers served and now sits alone in her house depressed about being so lonely, yet unwilling to go out and be a part of the world. Six children all watching it happen. Her son the pastor, her pride and joy gets tired of being in the ministry and decides to run off with the town whore. She's not just a whore because she is what tore his family apart. She's a whore because she is nearly 40 and has given head to almost all of my 22 year old brothers friends. She may or may not have killed her first husband. (hahah, that is actually true)
The more i think about how strange it all is, the more i realise that the very faith we felt made us strong tore us up into little bits of self righteous, self loathing, anal FREAKS. One of the aunts had a miraculous wieght loss about 8 years ago and continues to maintain (or deteriorate) by eating only salads and cereal in a baggie she carries around with her. She sure has dicipline, to a fault. My grandmother boasts to everyone about how skinny she is, almost keeping her trapped in diet mode. The saddest is the oldest child. Never able to have children of her own she's practically raised all 21 grandchildren single handedly. She had her time away from the mass of judgement and righteousness, but it wasn't a time that served her at all. She somehow lost several of her teeth and hasn't had them fixed. she doesn't smile keeping them hidden. Her wieght is out of hand and causing problems. She has recurring sickness, but wont see a doctor even though she has good insurance. Her five siblings and 21 nieces and nephews (myself included) have not asked what happened to her teeth or why she doesn't take care of herself. So, that's three down, three more to go. The youngest of them all has distanced himself since he was old enough to move out. He's lived in california for as long as i can remember. Married twice, a successful chiropractor, he is definitely not a part of the chaos that is the family i know. He is a smart man. Next to the youngest i haven't really figured out. She is apart of the chaos, but it's more hidden than anyone else. She too, felt she was called to the "ministry", so her and her husband moved off to idaho up in the mountains to start a church...she works at city hall and he has a construction company. Once again, the faith. Now my mom. befriending an adultress, because everyone esle has already done her wrong, she justifies the adultry to ease her conscience. "how is what she did any different than what we did before we were married" she says to me, and in the same breath curses the town whore for ruining our family. Family, by the way, all went to uncles church before he left it and his wife and children to rot. It is all so messed up and that is just what's on the surface. As a child i thought my family was perfect. I thought it was so cool how all my aunts and uncles lived in the same town, except for the chiropractor, and went to the same church. We were all so close. Now i see how completely sick and damaging it all was. I would love to be a child and so naive again.
i could keep going on forever and ever with my terrible grammar, run on sentences and all that bullshit, but i'm sure you stopped reading a long time ago. just venting and getting really personal for a change. Being an adult is a bitch.
The more i think about how strange it all is, the more i realise that the very faith we felt made us strong tore us up into little bits of self righteous, self loathing, anal FREAKS. One of the aunts had a miraculous wieght loss about 8 years ago and continues to maintain (or deteriorate) by eating only salads and cereal in a baggie she carries around with her. She sure has dicipline, to a fault. My grandmother boasts to everyone about how skinny she is, almost keeping her trapped in diet mode. The saddest is the oldest child. Never able to have children of her own she's practically raised all 21 grandchildren single handedly. She had her time away from the mass of judgement and righteousness, but it wasn't a time that served her at all. She somehow lost several of her teeth and hasn't had them fixed. she doesn't smile keeping them hidden. Her wieght is out of hand and causing problems. She has recurring sickness, but wont see a doctor even though she has good insurance. Her five siblings and 21 nieces and nephews (myself included) have not asked what happened to her teeth or why she doesn't take care of herself. So, that's three down, three more to go. The youngest of them all has distanced himself since he was old enough to move out. He's lived in california for as long as i can remember. Married twice, a successful chiropractor, he is definitely not a part of the chaos that is the family i know. He is a smart man. Next to the youngest i haven't really figured out. She is apart of the chaos, but it's more hidden than anyone else. She too, felt she was called to the "ministry", so her and her husband moved off to idaho up in the mountains to start a church...she works at city hall and he has a construction company. Once again, the faith. Now my mom. befriending an adultress, because everyone esle has already done her wrong, she justifies the adultry to ease her conscience. "how is what she did any different than what we did before we were married" she says to me, and in the same breath curses the town whore for ruining our family. Family, by the way, all went to uncles church before he left it and his wife and children to rot. It is all so messed up and that is just what's on the surface. As a child i thought my family was perfect. I thought it was so cool how all my aunts and uncles lived in the same town, except for the chiropractor, and went to the same church. We were all so close. Now i see how completely sick and damaging it all was. I would love to be a child and so naive again.
i could keep going on forever and ever with my terrible grammar, run on sentences and all that bullshit, but i'm sure you stopped reading a long time ago. just venting and getting really personal for a change. Being an adult is a bitch.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
gogoyubari:
no complains here, just lots and lots of 
mschrista:
Norae comes from a little boy my mom use to watch he couldn't say Rene (her name) and always called her Norae
