jin1

All I want is to feel alive again. To have someone come along and make me go "WOW!" I wish life wasn't so complicated. Why do I always second-guess myself? There are so many possibilities, so many choices that could make me happy, but I'm afraid to do what I think I want, because it's treading on territory I don't like. All I want is to feel truly comfortable and happy, but there's always something in the way. I don't know what I'm doing.

There's always the feeling that no one will ever be right for me.
No one will ever be happy with me.

I'll never find that special someone.

...In other news...

I have decided to come to the SG party on Saturday by myself. I'm sure Crystal won't be happy about it, but she can deal with that however she wants to. But, knowing me, I'll change my mind, and show up with her, and be all weird all night because I feel I can't be myself because it might hurt my girlfriend. God knows I have to keep pretty much every move I make under vry, very close control, as to not offend anyone, or be scandalous. People tell me I should just be single, but it's one thing I'm REALLY not good at. I get so depressed not having someone to hold.

*Sigh*

Hopefully I'll get over it.

Crystal is a wonderful girl, and she does everything she can to treat me well. But you all know how things can stagnate. We both try so hard, but, sometimes it just seems like it'd be best if I just cut my losses and gave up, but god knows I'd rather hold on, hoping things will get better. I tried to end it all totally the other night, and, of course, I backpeddled, and said nevermind, we're not breaking up, we can work this out. God, I want to, I want to SO BAD! I love her, I do, but sometimes...

I'll try. I'll do everything I can for you. I promise.