jimmypheenom

FUCK!!!

I can't live here! My family hates eachother. Nothing new cuz they're always at that level, but when I was living elsewhere i forgot how bad it sucked. My mother and stepfather have been arguing for 16 years, i wish they'd either split up or shoot eachother....CHRIST!!! did i say that? because i meant it. My real father is in rehab for his cocaine addiction...can't talk to him about it. its a wonder im still here....

Oh, and my work is killing me. I can't quit because I'm on probation and it'll look bad to my P.O. if i dont have a job. I'm working on getting a new job, but most places won't or haven't called me back.

I haven't painted since i've moved back here...it's hard for me to be inspired with all of this hate in the air. I think that if shit doesn't change by Christmas i'm going to run from my problems and move back to AZ. At least getting shot at only lasts as long as the bullet's in the air. And that was really my only problem down there...i mean fuck it. If i can't find good work here, I'm really not losing out by relocating. I just don't have the balls i used to have when i comes to picking up my pieces and walking out.

I've been working out compulsively every day trying to tire myself into a coma. If I'm not concious, i don't think about how bad i feel. I haven't been with a woman in 8 months...it's hard when i feel so angry that all i wanna do is hurt something or someone as bad as i hurt. I've been trying to cut loose and meet new people, and for the most part that's the only thing keeping me breathing: the prospect of newness. A break in the horrible monotony that I've come to loathe so much....my life is spiraling out of my control. I am in decent health, so that counts for something....not much, but something. I can't keep smiling and pretending that I'm cool, cuz inside my heart is puckering up and wilting like a flower left outside in the cold.

I need out now.

-JEEPERZ