jikarx

I know you all clicked here, saw a new entry and thought what witty stuff is that sexy fucker gonna post now..

but before i get to the serious stuff that has made me think more then anything else since i was here..a few things.

1. Shadow..get off the damm phone and yes it does
2. Saw a CNN report with a lady who had a fake arm and she said it could do anything her good hand could, and all i can think was could she give hand jobs with it...

But this entry is prob the most thought i have ever put into any entry. I have been thinking about this since 630 this morn when shadomancer called me and told me there was a new SG, my first thought was that smuffy or babygirl had been accepted into the SG, but no, he said a co worker on the 3rd shift had signed up to SG and at first it was interesting to thing that this person was "one of us" as shadow and i thought but after further thought i am not happy with the idea.

Yes i was sent a friends request but i think this was done more of a last thougt, or cause i know shaodow, torment, and hellbeast, not out any true friendship, since i feel a friendship at work was never wanted or expected. Yes she trained on my shift but i felt freindship was never offered, and why i exteneded my hand you moved toward certain people, im not sure if this was networking on your part or what, but thats the way it felt. One look at the contact list on her account would show my thinking on this..

this is like having my mom log on here, seeing what ive posted, in candid talk or serious.. and knowing this new person is good friends with a person i have said some not so good things about worries me deep down.

Even now im thinking about all my entries, what did i say? will it get back to work, my day off request for ren vest was "mysteriously" lost so i cant go there now and i dont need anymore shit happening at work.

Thank god i never posted my sercret crush on here for fear it would get back to work, god now im thinking what groups do i belong to...thankfully inever posted a confession on torms sight for frear it would end up back at work now.

SG is, was, my escape to post what i wanted to, i was free, felt open to say anything but now feel myself nolonger able to..that i must censor everything i post now.

No, i nologer feel that freedom, some SG say there parents dont know what they do and thats the way i feel here, its the same feeling for me.

I wish i could say Jikarx was happy about this new member but i cant in good faith do that..i cant act all happy and jump up and down smiling, im sorry if i hurt some, i know some of my friends will want to have words with me over this but like i said..its how i feel.

..and in good faith i can not accpet this friendship request becuae i really dont think it was done in true friendship, only that im here, a cog, "i know you know my friends so ill ask you to" kind of thing, not to hurt his feelings, this will not only effect my journal but how i reply to others also, no longer will i feel open to reply to things for fear she would go there and see it, I will always be second guessing myself i feel from now on, I'm sure you will be a popular SG person.

Now having my say we have 2 options..
1 we see how i truly feel and we can work to over come this, to see that maybe i am totally wrong and some misunderstandings happened..
2. you see this..see im right, call me a bastard and never talk to me again...

im sorry if this hurts anyones feelings...