jig

it's been 4 days since i've had any sleep
i dug the computer out of storage and decided to see what was new
seems to be the same old routine
this was the only place i could count on being here
it's weird being back nothing at all has changed
it's like it was before i left
my building is still full of dealers and fiends.
What did I learn from the past 8 months?
nothing
it was a waste of time
i spent 8 months trying to figure out what my calling was
my calling is doing what i was doing 8 fucking months ago
what was I doing 8 months ago?
nothing
but at least i knew what I was doing
this is odd
i'm writing something that someone could read
haven't done that in a good long time
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i can't recall the exact reason I left
i can't give a good answer to why I came back
i gained nothing not being here
i had nothing when I left
i seem to have broke even
i read through my back journal thing
i lost people i cared about
i tried to regain lost feelings
i failed
i now realize that i can't dwell on the past, because thats what it is.
i have no future that i can see
i remember feeling the way i do now, it was years ago
i remember friends asking if i was really that cold or was it a game face
i never understood what they meant
i lived like that before
i changed when an emotion snuck up on me
i know that emotion was love
i then learned what sadness and grief were
i felt pain
i tried to replace the love, it was replaced with disappointment
i now have zero feeling
i have the zero emotion I had before i was ambushed
i shouldn't say there is no response to anything
i have a response to stimulus
i have no traditional responses
i have the most minimal interaction with other people
i haven't touched another person in over a year
i can't remember the last time I spoke aloud
i may have been searching for closure
i might have found it if I really wanted to
i don't want closure
i want to be ambushed again
i know there is good feelings but with them come bad
i will do it over again if given the chance
i also know all of this makes no sense to anyone
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anyways i'm here in a sense.
i know that i can always find something to occupy my time
this place if full of stuff
infect since i've been back shit has already hit the fan.
here's the story
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i caught a glimpse of heaven once
the angels showed me
they brought me to heaven to show me what i've been missing
i saw people i haven't seen in a long time
then i was cast down
back to a world of killers, rapists, perverts, dealers
a brand new evil every minute.
as fast as mankind can make them up
even looking at someone blocking the door so you can't get by can be one
and the aggression that they spew forth when you look at them as if to say "move, your blocking the door"
then the mouth starts
you disrespected them by making eye contact, how dare you look them in the eye.
this means war to them
it makes them furious when you don't speak back you just keep looking them in the eye
then you see the anger turn into fear
they think to themselves they may have made a mistake pulling the alpha dog routine this time
now they have passed the point of no return
they have an audience
they have to perform or risk looking foolish to their peers
the sweat beading on their forehead turns into a trickle as the burst of adrenaline hits them and they take the first shot
common sense do not let fight or flight kick in or you have already lost
he never finished throwing that first punch
it's amazing how much of an upper hand you have with a bag of groceries in each hand
never underestimate the power of a head butt
back to a world where flooring an obnoxious goon to tell his fellow lowlifes that your back is a sane and rational act
i guess the angels thought this would be hell for me
they were wrong
welcome back, Jon
says the city