Today, my favorite club will close down for about 3-5 months, for renovations. I’m not really down about the club, it sucks and all, but it’s really the fact that I am worried that I may never see some of the staff, after the place is rebuilt. I plan on selling my house and moving. Where? I do not know, but it hurts even more knowing that the women I fell for may just turn into a distant memory.
There are so many times where I should have told her how I felt, and I feel like tonight is that time where I either go all in or sink and add another to my pool of regrets. I chose to be silent, with good reason. She has a boyfriend. I know relationships come and go, and sometimes people could live with someone their whole lives to find out they just weren’t meant for each other, but what makes this hard is not knowing how she really feels. I can’t read signs, I’ve always been oblivious to attraction, but I do believe there were moments where I let her and myself down. Moments where she indirectly made it clear that she wanted me to say something. I guess you can call it cowardess, but there are some things that she expressed that still resonate in my mind every time I look into her eyes. I couldn’t tell if what she told me was just some excuse for why she is still with him, or if it is something real... but I never really hear her say anything positive about her relationship. Sometimes I question if she really has one.
I had this problem before, back when I was attracted to a co-worker, roughly 4 years ago. That just didn’t end well, and honestly, I was kind of an asshole by the end. I felt betrayed, hated the world, felt like I was going no where, and kinda felt like I was destined to remain single. I could get into that, but I don’t want to repeat a potential blog post. It’s also kinda foggy to remember.
Ever since that happened, I have been living in a terribly depressed state. I absolutely loathe my job and everything associated with it, the world is going down a freaky path, family members are fighting amongst each other over inheritance, parents have been in and out of the hospital, friends have moved on, feel alone, life is getting more expensive, and its difficult to find anything to motivate me. The gym has been a great distraction, and maybe with the club closing down I can move on and finally make some changes to rekindle my drive. I’ve been very bored of life, and that’s something I need to steer clear of. Just need to find something new to challenge myself, like learning a new instrument. I’ve thought about picking up guitar or piano. I still have my electronic drum set, and I have been forcing myself to practice at least an hour each day, but it doesn’t really ignite any really excitement. It feels routine... and working At a graphics job that is the equivalent of working in fast food, just with better pay, routine is on tap. There is no challenge at work, I slap shitty news graphics together, all day. And I get programming projects at a moments notice. I need to change that this year, and that’s my plan at the end of the month.
I’m really hoping that I can turn myself around in 2019. I need to stop procrastinating and telling myself that I’m incompatible. I work real hard, I keep myself in the best shape I can, am the best at fitting myself into anything I put my mind to, love helping those I care about in any way I can, and I got 36 years of dedicated affection to give someone special, to me. Wish I could staple this to my head so I can see it in the mirror to remind myself that I’m more than just some cubical graphic junkie with nothing to offer.
Anyway... here’s to 2019. May it motivate us to drive and make it a better year!
