jhay

Hi.

I've been in a funk. Still am. I'm working too much for too little. I try to pursue things that I think will make me happy. They don't. Whoa is me.

I'll get over it and be stronger for being beaten up and surviving.

I need a change.

I want to sell everything I have and just start riding the bus across the country until I run out of money.

All we ever have is fleeting moments anyways, right? Why not make a life of it.

Who am I kidding. I'd run out of money by Chicago.

Maybe twice a year I get into these depressive states. They're pretty terrible. I haven't had a light on in the house in like 3 days. I sit in the dark.

I'm self destructive when I get depressed. I devolve. I just want to fuck, or fight, or get fucked up. This is not productive. So I sit in the dark.

And I think. I think too much. It makes it all worse. I can't listen to myself anymore. So I turn on some music.

And I listen. And I hum. And I sit in the dark. And maybe its not all bad, even though here I am sitting in the dark listening to music trying not to contemplate the absolute futility of my life.

Its a little better. But its not good enough to turn the lights on.

Not yet.