Coming Full Circle
Ok. So now she wants back in my life. Not that she ever wanted to be completely out, but it was better for me that way, I thought then, and I still think that temporarily it was right now.
So she was my best friends HS GF from 7 years ago. He's 25, I'm 32, she's 24. Lil timeline for ya there. He's married now, just had his second rugrat. Hates his old lady. Still had a thing for the ex apparently. So he borught her out a couple times. She confronts me that she has a thing for me. I hadn't had a relationship in a couple years, so, not the classiest move I've ever made, but I gave in and dated her. I called him to fill him in, kinda try to clear the path. Figuring he's married, with kids, got no real claim on the girl. He's still very unpleased about the situation, but eventually he got over it.
So I dated her for a little while. just about the time I found out my Mom was dying. We spent a week together. A week that when we discuss it still, is referred to as "the perfect week". It was nice, man. Mind-blowing. Then she comes to me and tells me she hadn't broke up with her BF before getting involved with me. The perfection ends. We continue to talk, and nothing else. To negotiate things so to say. She tells me she's worried if she leaves he'll hurt himself. I tell her that no matter what your never gonna be able to protect him for the rest of his life. A few weeks go by, she leaves him. We get back together. The sudden end to"the perfect week", plus the news of my mother being sick and dying, plus the whole going back to her BF thing combined with anti-depressants and a LOT of alcohol leave me feeling terribly insecure. I lash out, on more than one occasion. My insecurity turns me into an asshole. I saw it then, I see it now. We break up, she leaves me a few weeks in. I tell her politely never to speak to me again.
Then she finds out about my Mom passing. Happened like 2 months ago. She sends me a message saying how sorry she is and how she wishes she could have been there for me. She tells me she knows she has no reason to expect that I've changed my mind, but she'd like to get together. I think about this long and hard. Of course I reply back. Of course we talk and text on the phone all day. Of course we go out.
In the days leading up she tells me how excited she is to be getting to see me again, on more than one occasion. When I tel her she's too excited she says "who wouldn't be excited to see you, your great?". We go to dinner. We have a marvelous time. Theres definately a chemistry still in the air, heavy like smoke. We talk the entire time, non stop, 4 hours. We talk more in the parking lot. The subject turns to "Us". She tells me she wants to be "friends first". We go back to her place. We do NOT have sex. It may have been a possibility, but I wasnt going to press the issue. I spend the night. We hold each other all night long. We talk into the wee hours. We go to breakfast and come home and watch a movie this morning. Before i leave, I kiss her. No tongue, A brief, soft kiss. She says "your not going to make this friend thing easy, are you?" I shrug my shoulders and leave. In a text later in the day she says "friends is good, even f its the kind of friends that spend a lot of time together and cuddle. Maybe it'd be best if we hold off on the kissing tho?" She gives me a rain check on dinner with some friends.
What I think of the situation....She's mentioned "friends first" and says she isn't ruling anything out. She told me she had recently been on 4 dates with some dude but he didnt seem that interested. While we're in bed she says she's decided he's a douche bag for not chasing after her. She said she just wanted me to be on the level with the way things seemed they were going. She didn't push me away when I kissed her. She came away smiling. So basically what I'm thinking is she's trying to test me out. Trial period if you will. See if I really was just an ass cuz I was going through my own personal hell at the time. She seems to still really like me. I think she wants to get back together, and after a lot of thought, I would like to as well.
What I'm afraid of....... She's lonely and just wants a friend and knows that I never really turn my back on anyone. Or she really just wants to be friends and only ever friends and is too scared to be up front about it. Or that I'm just being strung along any old way, period.
So I wrote this all down, cuz well, it helps me to get some of this stuff out at times I'm learning. Secondly, anyone that actually takes the time to read this, if anyone ever does, I'd really like your input.
Ok. So now she wants back in my life. Not that she ever wanted to be completely out, but it was better for me that way, I thought then, and I still think that temporarily it was right now.
So she was my best friends HS GF from 7 years ago. He's 25, I'm 32, she's 24. Lil timeline for ya there. He's married now, just had his second rugrat. Hates his old lady. Still had a thing for the ex apparently. So he borught her out a couple times. She confronts me that she has a thing for me. I hadn't had a relationship in a couple years, so, not the classiest move I've ever made, but I gave in and dated her. I called him to fill him in, kinda try to clear the path. Figuring he's married, with kids, got no real claim on the girl. He's still very unpleased about the situation, but eventually he got over it.
So I dated her for a little while. just about the time I found out my Mom was dying. We spent a week together. A week that when we discuss it still, is referred to as "the perfect week". It was nice, man. Mind-blowing. Then she comes to me and tells me she hadn't broke up with her BF before getting involved with me. The perfection ends. We continue to talk, and nothing else. To negotiate things so to say. She tells me she's worried if she leaves he'll hurt himself. I tell her that no matter what your never gonna be able to protect him for the rest of his life. A few weeks go by, she leaves him. We get back together. The sudden end to"the perfect week", plus the news of my mother being sick and dying, plus the whole going back to her BF thing combined with anti-depressants and a LOT of alcohol leave me feeling terribly insecure. I lash out, on more than one occasion. My insecurity turns me into an asshole. I saw it then, I see it now. We break up, she leaves me a few weeks in. I tell her politely never to speak to me again.
Then she finds out about my Mom passing. Happened like 2 months ago. She sends me a message saying how sorry she is and how she wishes she could have been there for me. She tells me she knows she has no reason to expect that I've changed my mind, but she'd like to get together. I think about this long and hard. Of course I reply back. Of course we talk and text on the phone all day. Of course we go out.
In the days leading up she tells me how excited she is to be getting to see me again, on more than one occasion. When I tel her she's too excited she says "who wouldn't be excited to see you, your great?". We go to dinner. We have a marvelous time. Theres definately a chemistry still in the air, heavy like smoke. We talk the entire time, non stop, 4 hours. We talk more in the parking lot. The subject turns to "Us". She tells me she wants to be "friends first". We go back to her place. We do NOT have sex. It may have been a possibility, but I wasnt going to press the issue. I spend the night. We hold each other all night long. We talk into the wee hours. We go to breakfast and come home and watch a movie this morning. Before i leave, I kiss her. No tongue, A brief, soft kiss. She says "your not going to make this friend thing easy, are you?" I shrug my shoulders and leave. In a text later in the day she says "friends is good, even f its the kind of friends that spend a lot of time together and cuddle. Maybe it'd be best if we hold off on the kissing tho?" She gives me a rain check on dinner with some friends.
What I think of the situation....She's mentioned "friends first" and says she isn't ruling anything out. She told me she had recently been on 4 dates with some dude but he didnt seem that interested. While we're in bed she says she's decided he's a douche bag for not chasing after her. She said she just wanted me to be on the level with the way things seemed they were going. She didn't push me away when I kissed her. She came away smiling. So basically what I'm thinking is she's trying to test me out. Trial period if you will. See if I really was just an ass cuz I was going through my own personal hell at the time. She seems to still really like me. I think she wants to get back together, and after a lot of thought, I would like to as well.
What I'm afraid of....... She's lonely and just wants a friend and knows that I never really turn my back on anyone. Or she really just wants to be friends and only ever friends and is too scared to be up front about it. Or that I'm just being strung along any old way, period.
So I wrote this all down, cuz well, it helps me to get some of this stuff out at times I'm learning. Secondly, anyone that actually takes the time to read this, if anyone ever does, I'd really like your input.