jeykool

eh, lets see...
I worry sometimes, but then I realize that things have been this way forever. It's like this about everything. I worry about school, work, dating, humanity. It's always the same beat.
I guess that's kind of obvious, untill you don't realize it. Once that happens your stuck beneath this lens that just twists the light enough. You just can't make out the real for that slight distortion.
Just as suddenly as all of this comes about, it leaves. Things are back to normal and you're plodding along, almost incognisent of the way you percieved everything mere hours before.
That's what today is like. The glass is being pulled away and tossed into storage.
Sometimes it seems as though I have limitless selfcontrol, and with me that is a must. I never really gel with people. I can never really get things quite right in a natural state. I always have to make myself do x or y or else it feels like I may disappear in that sense that I exist in the minds of others. Selfcontrol is more like an attribute than a tool. It's existence and my own social self are twisted into some sort of Goffman-esque dialectic. (One of my teachers laughs whenever I use that word, he says it's too overused.)

So anyway, my selfcontrol is fleeting. I'm skipping karate today. I'm going to play videogames instead. That's all a symptom of something else that's been misplaced in my philosophy. Misplaced, definately, not really misconstrued.

I've been reading fiction lately! Wierd. Usually I stick to soc. journals or wierd foreign/economic policy books. I know that I must be incredably booring to just about everyone other that the people I'm lucky enough to have as friends.
Honestly. Most of the time I say things to people and I have to repeat myself at least twice because I edit out so much that they can't understand. Yesterday in class we were asked "Why do you suppose there are so few female full professors as a percentage of female faculty?" And I said, "The full professors are older." This means that it takes time to become a full professor. As such, most full professors got their tenure a while ago. That's the whole idea behind tenure. So, if there is a lag in the promotion scheme of universities, there will be a similar lag in the promotion of women at those universities. There are so few female full professors as a percentage of the female faculty because the current full professors represent the promotion patterns of quite awhile ago. (Of course this is only one of several actions at work.)
But all I said was, "they're older." I thought the rest was obvious....
The whole point is my natural state is to be as simple as possible. I hate excessive anything, yet as a person I have my own excessive habits. Controlling myself brings my humanity into line with my conceptually accepted self. It's a tenuous state to live in, but I do well enough. Untill something happens that I can't properly deal with.
Ah well... I'll get over it.