jessicunt

So, I need someone to talk to about the boy. I don't know who I'm supposed to turn to, since I don't really have a best friend anymore. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I should be doing.

I have a lot of questions that are hazy to me. I think I have a lot of questions. It feels like it.

Ok, so... I guess I like him. I've kind of sort of been trying to get myself into the mindset that he's my friend with benefits. I had been trying to get it in my mind that we're not going to be something more. But I feel like I want that because of today.
I couldn't help looking into his eyes. And smiling at him, because he was looking at me and smiling at me.
Well... let's see... he came over to my house today. Late. I called his house to make sure he was awake, but he had to take a shower after his dad got out. So I picked him up and brought him to my house. It was after 11 sometime. My mom got home earlier than I thought she would. Good thing we were only making out in my room. We sat on my bed a little while and decided to head over to his house. Yes, good idea that was.
Then... 2 hours at least. 2 fucking hours... At Least! And it was so effing great. I can't even believe it sometimes. But I do. After a while, a few orgasms, I had the feeling that I was loosing the ability to think. I got that sort of... retarded feeling. Blissful sort of. And everything just happened.

Ok... so... what has that got to do with me liking him instead of being friends with benefits? I don't know, maybe it hasn't. But it was really good.

But after maybe an hour and a half we were laying there in his bed making out and kissing a lot. And I was touching his hair. I was blushing. I was looking at his eyes. And he was smiling at me. You know... tender sort of moments. Do those happen with friends with benefits?

And he kissed me goodbye today. We went out to my car and had a smoke. He sat there with me. When he got up to leave, he looked at me. He kissed me. Kissed me goodbye.

And... I don't know... maybe he's just being nice. Maybe we are just fucking once in a while. I have no fucking clue. I don't have a fucking clue at all. I think I need a friend to talk to about it. To get the words out or something. Because I think I like him again. Fuck.
And I'm sitting here wondering if he likes me. Or if he's just fucking me and I'm just fucking him. But that's not what it felt like. It didn't feel like just fucking. But maybe that's just how he is? Or... maybe he at least likes me a little bit?
I don't even have a fucking clue. But I keep thinking he might like me. And I keep thinking... I should... do the unthinkable thing... and ask the boy out. Or something. I've never done that before.
But I never kissed someone first before, and I did. And he's done things that he's never done before. So have I. Strange that there were still things left to do that I haven't after being with Will. It seemed impossible before, but now, it's like, different doors have been opened. And there are a lot of firsts I need to experience... still.

I guess I need advice. Or something. I don't know how to go about this. It just happens right? Well, if I figure out that we're not just fucking. Or even if I don't find that out, I think... the next time... I'm pretty sure... I will do the unthinkable thing. Just go for it. Or something. I don't know. I'm creeping myself out.
Well, I know, though... if I do find out... that we're just fucking, no other sort of feelings involved... I won't ask. But how do I go about finding that information out?

I'm ridiculous.