some people worry themselves into problems I could never fathom because i'm honestly a little too care free to notice. I'm not angry, I'm not upset. I just do my best, and sometimes my zeal to streamline and improve everything, my obsession with growth and discussion is mistaken for complaining but I have a hard enough time convincing myself to care about all the ethereal, inconstant day to day details of a life that mostly repeats itself and merely changes around the minor details. I prefer to fall in love with each new sunrise, the way I did this morning. I prefer to find love in a stranger's honesty than to search for trustworthiness in my companions. I wonder sometimes if I am even capable of consistency anymore, adapting means surviving but it doesn't lend alot to solvency. I evaporate into you as quickly as I condensate around the cup of another. Call it fear of commitment if you will, call it a lack of faith, I prefer to call it the Jesse Cycle. I always did like science more than drama.
Updated in response to a question:
if some one could break this cycle of forcing me to be act surprised by
all the ethereal, inconstant day to day details of a life that mostly repeats itself and merely changes around the minor details. I prefer to fall in love with each new sunrise, the way I did this morning. I prefer to find love in a stranger's honesty than to search for trustworthiness in my companions.
The problem isn't that I don't care, its that people just keep doing the same silly things over and over and so instead of getting mad at them I keep moving. When I say I care, I most definitely mean it. Others seem to say it because they want to or because they have had a bad day or whatever but my fear that I was writing about was whether or not instead of moving as fluidly from one person to the next as I thought I had been, what if they are chipping away at the part of me that can actually find beauty in them? So I focus all my love and energy on the world and its beauty, ignoring the metaphysical and the intangible and focusing on the simple feeling of a powerful engine, or the taste of a delicious slice of pie. If I relied on you or anyone else for my beauty I'm afraid I would evaporate altogether. There are still only three drawings on my wall and all are of you. I'm just waiting for someone to wow me. To actually follow through or be a step ahead of me. I'm hoping its you, you have wowed me in the past but this situation with Jesse makes me wonder if I am not being completely destructive to your psyche. His control makes me timid and my timidity makes you doubtful your doubt convinces him to control you more and so on we spiral downwards and I don't know if I see the point beyond that budding, beautiful feeling I get in my chest when I hear your voice. I know I can take care of you if you were in a position to be taken care of, I just don't think you are.
post script:
you know what's funny? I say all this, and its true yet if you put A.I. in the dvd player in front of me I go all to pieces. Christ that movie makes me cry. I really need to turn it off but I can't. Maybe I need a good cry.
That's my biggest fear with you.
coming from you that means a lot