jerry031

I'm back...for now. I felt I needed to take a hiatus, there are things here I didn't, and still don't, feel comfortable dealing with. But, here I am for about 16 days, and then I'll be gone forever. It's not that I can't afford being here, there's just nothing left here for me it seems, especially since the reason I spent as long here as I did is gone.

I've been a little depressed lately; sleeping too much, thinking too much, alone too much. I was a depressed kid in high school looking back, and easily could have become a statistic. But that wasn't my way then and it's not now. I'll get through this funk, and there'll be good things on the other side, right?

I'm a decent person, not on the scale of Mother Theresa or Ghandi, but decent all the same. Like anybody I've done things that I'm not proud of, but those instances pale by comparison to the way I try to live my life. Sadly, there are those who would try to hold those things over my head, blackmail me with them if you will, in order to keep me from doing something that needs to be done in order to protect myself, but I still haven't convinced myself to do it. Funny thing is, on top of being a decent person, I'm also fairly selfish (which I'll get to in a moment), and I'm risk the blackmail in order to secure what's mine, or to ensure that I don't get taken advantage of. Which brings me to...

I'm what some might consider successful in my chosen career, and I've worked very hard for that success. That success allows me to spend money on others fairly liberally. I'm not above picking up the check, buying gifts for my friends or family or their children, so on and so on. However, I don't like feeling like I have to spend my money on others, which is where my selfishness comes in. That's the one of the two big reasons I'm still, and will in all probability forever be, single. The other being a massive fear of commitment.

When I do somebody a kindness, I expect very little in return. One of the reasons for that is I take praise very poorly. The other reason is my general faithlessness in humanity. One thing I ask is that I not be taken advantage of. Appreciate the kindness, take it for what it is, but under no circumstances try to take more than what I offer, especially if you do so surrepticiously. Because when I find out, I'm gonna be pissed, and very little can be done to regain my trust. You'd better take great steps to right the wrong, because if you don't I sure as fuck will. I'm dealing with that right now. I've been taken advantage of, and feel I am still being taken advantage of, and it has to stop, or I'll stop it.

I've been fixated on Rush (the band, not the movie) lately. The first band I could really say I enjoyed is Rush, and listening to them takes me back to a time when my life was much less complicated, when I didn't have to deal with being an adult while wanting to remain childish. Alas, those days are gone, and my adulthood, I fear, is crashing in on me like a house of cards.

p.s. I'm going for a ride...