Sooooooooo I don't feel fantastic. Nobody has to read this or anything its more just for my own piece of mind. Not for comments or anything. Its too long to read anyway 
I love my boy so much. I do. And I know I love him more than he loves me, he always says he loves me more but I just don't feel it. I know he loves me but like, I hate being away from him, I hate not hearing from him, I just am crazy about him.
Problem is, I'm too scared.
I'm terrified I'll find out he's been sending intimate texts to his ex -lover, they text alot and I'm worried someone will tell me or I'll just find out somehow he's been saying stuff like "awww sweetie, miss you" or just calling her sweetie would break me. I warn him so much not to lead her on cause she's still crazy about him and really hates me.
But i just annoy him.
I am getting better, I swear that with all of my heart. I used to be a right wreck about it all, like the pain I expressed to him about it was no where near the severity of what I actually felt. But I can sit next to him now whilst he texts her, I can wait whilst he sees her, it doesn't kill me or make me cry like before.
I am just so scared.
Because we're getting serious, we're so in love, and I get closer and closer to trusting him every day and so I get scared. I worry something to do with his ex will pop up and ruin it all. I'm scared I'll annoy him and he'll end it. I run so many scenarious in my head because I'm too afraid to admit things are going great. I can barely speak that sentence without hesitation and stuttering. I'm too scared to say I love him, and he is madly in love with me too and we are so unbelievably happy when we're together and we may just spend our whole lives or many years together. I'm too scared. I have lived a life full of disappointment. Hopes up and then down. Nice friends and then none. I be as nice as I can and make efforts with people that have hurt me immensely and then they go and hurt me more and pretend I never bothered. I sit around whilst my boyfriend talks to a girl who despises me and is waiting for us to break up.
Okay okay truth time.
My brothers want us to break up and don't like him.
My best friend MAY fancy me and hates him.
I'm friends with his ex BEST friend who told lies to tear us apart, and I'm still her friend.
So where do I get off being annoyed that he texts and sees his ex?
Ah right. I haven't had sex with any of the above. He has had sex with her. Sex changes everything.
Like I said. Scared and so am trying to find some horrible scenario that could happen and keeping all my options open and my eyes peeled so that I don't end up being hurt and I don't look like a fool.
But I'm going to totally screw this up if I don't learn to say
"We are very happy, and we have the potential to spend forever together, and he is madly in love with me, and this could work".
God I never pictured myself as a commit-a-phobe! I just don't want to look stupid. What if I totally forget about him and the ex and am absolutely fine and happy about it - which I know I can do and have the potential to do - and then it turns out he's been flirting or leading her on or theyve been cuddling up on the couch whilst watching tv. Even if he does lead her on, he still wants me and wouldnt do anything, it's just the girl is vile enough to me already and hates me, the more she gets her hopes up about him, who knows what she'll do to break us up if she gets her hopes up higher?
I know I can be totally at ease about them, I feel it inside my head and my heart, I know I can, I just am too scared to.
I have put my trust into people so many times and have been hurt every single time. What will make this time any different? I trust and trust and trust and say "no this time i wont get hurt" and I do. I get hurt.
I even trusted his ex to be pleasant. I asked her if its okay that we see eachother, she smiled and said yeah. Then went off and fucked me over.
It's like I need proof or something that he won't end up hurting me, that he won't cheat, that he won't tell her things he doesn't tell me, that I'm still that girl he's crazy about.
I know I am, I'm just so scared. God. How do i do this.... how do i trust and feel fine and accept that this is it, this is happiness, this is where ive worked so hard to be, this is what ive wanted for years. this is it. now im here i dont want to mess it up. ive kinda been here before, happiness, peace, and something has screwed it up. me usually.
I love my boy so much. I do. And I know I love him more than he loves me, he always says he loves me more but I just don't feel it. I know he loves me but like, I hate being away from him, I hate not hearing from him, I just am crazy about him.
Problem is, I'm too scared.
I'm terrified I'll find out he's been sending intimate texts to his ex -lover, they text alot and I'm worried someone will tell me or I'll just find out somehow he's been saying stuff like "awww sweetie, miss you" or just calling her sweetie would break me. I warn him so much not to lead her on cause she's still crazy about him and really hates me.
But i just annoy him.
I am getting better, I swear that with all of my heart. I used to be a right wreck about it all, like the pain I expressed to him about it was no where near the severity of what I actually felt. But I can sit next to him now whilst he texts her, I can wait whilst he sees her, it doesn't kill me or make me cry like before.
I am just so scared.
Because we're getting serious, we're so in love, and I get closer and closer to trusting him every day and so I get scared. I worry something to do with his ex will pop up and ruin it all. I'm scared I'll annoy him and he'll end it. I run so many scenarious in my head because I'm too afraid to admit things are going great. I can barely speak that sentence without hesitation and stuttering. I'm too scared to say I love him, and he is madly in love with me too and we are so unbelievably happy when we're together and we may just spend our whole lives or many years together. I'm too scared. I have lived a life full of disappointment. Hopes up and then down. Nice friends and then none. I be as nice as I can and make efforts with people that have hurt me immensely and then they go and hurt me more and pretend I never bothered. I sit around whilst my boyfriend talks to a girl who despises me and is waiting for us to break up.
Okay okay truth time.
My brothers want us to break up and don't like him.
My best friend MAY fancy me and hates him.
I'm friends with his ex BEST friend who told lies to tear us apart, and I'm still her friend.
So where do I get off being annoyed that he texts and sees his ex?
Ah right. I haven't had sex with any of the above. He has had sex with her. Sex changes everything.
Like I said. Scared and so am trying to find some horrible scenario that could happen and keeping all my options open and my eyes peeled so that I don't end up being hurt and I don't look like a fool.
But I'm going to totally screw this up if I don't learn to say
"We are very happy, and we have the potential to spend forever together, and he is madly in love with me, and this could work".
God I never pictured myself as a commit-a-phobe! I just don't want to look stupid. What if I totally forget about him and the ex and am absolutely fine and happy about it - which I know I can do and have the potential to do - and then it turns out he's been flirting or leading her on or theyve been cuddling up on the couch whilst watching tv. Even if he does lead her on, he still wants me and wouldnt do anything, it's just the girl is vile enough to me already and hates me, the more she gets her hopes up about him, who knows what she'll do to break us up if she gets her hopes up higher?
I know I can be totally at ease about them, I feel it inside my head and my heart, I know I can, I just am too scared to.
I have put my trust into people so many times and have been hurt every single time. What will make this time any different? I trust and trust and trust and say "no this time i wont get hurt" and I do. I get hurt.
I even trusted his ex to be pleasant. I asked her if its okay that we see eachother, she smiled and said yeah. Then went off and fucked me over.
It's like I need proof or something that he won't end up hurting me, that he won't cheat, that he won't tell her things he doesn't tell me, that I'm still that girl he's crazy about.
I know I am, I'm just so scared. God. How do i do this.... how do i trust and feel fine and accept that this is it, this is happiness, this is where ive worked so hard to be, this is what ive wanted for years. this is it. now im here i dont want to mess it up. ive kinda been here before, happiness, peace, and something has screwed it up. me usually.