jennrose

i still haven't let myself cry. i've held it in. i don't want to cry alone. i want someone to be there with me, to hold me in their arms. i deserve that. i deserve to be comforted. for god's sake, i deserve to not have to cry alone.

so yeah, the guy... the one who really fucked up... i talked to him, and he hadn't even realized what he'd done... when i told him, he realized i was right and he felt awful and sick and he kept apologizing to me over and over... it's nice that he regrets it, but him saying he's sorry can never fix it. he knows that, too. he wishes he could take it back, that he could undo it, but he can't. things are fucked up, and nothing he does could fix them. i had nightmares all the time about the sort of thing he did to me... he knew that... he didn't realize what he was doing when he did it, but that doesn't make it all right.

it's interesting. it seems that when the event occurred, my eyes went dead. he says my eyes left my body in order for me to protect myself, like i'd told him i'd done in the past. i don't think i really truly believed i'd done that in the past, that i was being dramatic or something... guess i was wrong. i guess that, since crap like this has occurred so often, my mind and body have come up with ways to try to protect me from it.

the memory of it has faded. no joke. i'm having trouble holding on to the memory. it's faded. it barely feels like it even happened. i know it happened, but i don't feel like it actually happened. i'm still sad, but it's difficult to hold on to my anger. i want to hold on to my anger; i've earned the right to be angry. it scares me that my memory of it has become blurred and faded. it's only been a few days, and it scares me that my subconscious is going against my will and messing with my memory to try to protect me.

i should hate him, but i can't. i still care about him, because i'm a damn moron. a part of me wants to forget it happened and just move on, pretend like everything's fine. with the memory and my anger so dulled, that might even be possible. but that's not what i want, because it's the wrong thing. what he did was wrong. he knows it and i know it and everyone knows it. i didn't deserve that; no one would deserve that. no one has ever suffered for doing this to me in the past. i don't think anyone ever regretted it or felt remorse over it. part of me wants him to feel pain over this just 'cause he can. and he knew better, and i trusted him, he was my closest friend, and he did this. but his pain and regret won't make up for everything that's happened, and i know that, and i just feel sad and alone.