jennfaith

So... I just had a breakdown. Called Celia. cried and yelled and cried and couldn't breath and cried more. This is the first time this has happened this early int he quarter. Usually it's right before finals.

So I took a long shower and calmed myself down and when I do that i try to think of happy things, usually friends. Because, really, that what i have to make me happy. My parents and my friends. So this is what came out of my fucked up head.

My heart is full of holes. The ones that are filled are filled with the ones who have been there for me through everything. The ones who will com over at 2 am or listen to me cry when they're trying to fix their car. The ones who will open there door and take me in their arms when I'm crying because that's all i really need, a hug.

I have open holes. those are the places of the people who i wish were still here. The one who stands out is Renee. I miss her so much and it was just life that pulled us apart. There was never any hard feeling, just life.

There's filled holes of people who weren't worthy, and even if it took a while they healed, the little bump of loose earth is the wound, the effect they left on me.

Then there's ones that aren't dug yet. My Ivy and Megan, who haven't really made there place, but are truly working on it.

I know that I'm more close off than I used to be, but you know what? I'm happy with that. Before I was so open, but I also was naive and I just followed what everyone else was doing. before I'd pretend like I liked something because that's what my friend liked (I have a TON of CD's that I hate because that's what my friends were into) Now I'm proud to look at someone and say I really don't like something. To look at my manager and say "hey I really don't like Rap so don't get all pissy about my metal."

Soooo... now I feel better.

Maybe I can finish my homework now.