I have started sex toy review blog. Here is a sample entry:
The topic of this post will be Scary Substances You Should Not Apply to Your Genitals.
Item number one is Sure-Grip Tighten-Her Cream, listed in the category -- who knew there was a category?! -- of "vaginal shrink formulas."
Click to buy!
This reminds me of a medieval-themed porno I once saw in which Gidget the Midget (a dwarf porn star not to be confused with Bridget the Midget, who is hotter) played the shrunken-down version of a regular porn star, who was a good witch who had attracted the jealousy of the evil queen. I was very sad for Gidget, not only because her dwarf-ness was being treated as an evil curse, but because the key to breaking the evil curse was that the now-dwarfed princess had to find true love -- which, she feared, would be impossible as a dwarf. Pornos are simply not supposed to feature midget porn starlets having sex with several men in medieval costume (hang with me, that part's fine) and then, after they leave, lamenting "How will I ever get anyone to fall in love with me?"
That was the saddest porno I ever saw.
Anyway, this cream is supposed to just shrink your vagina, not all of you. So, let's review. Vaginal tightening cream "awards him the sinfully stimulating sensation of a virgin vagina." Full-body shrinkage in proportion to your newly-tiny vagina means that no one will ever love you.
Great! Now that we've got that down, let's move on to non-FDA approved substances for men.
Stud Spray 100 "is designed to help men delay ejaculation and prolong the pleasures of sex; it has a fast acting Lidocaine base that is safe and easy to use."
Click to buy!
In other words, it's a penile anesthetic. Funny, how we have all kinds of cultural stereotypes about the fun sex lives of, say, pizza delivery men or private eyes (popular porno professions), but no one ever says "You're an anesthesiologist? You must have the best sex life ever!"
Study Spray 100 also offers the following benefits:
--Helps in cases of over-rapid or premature ejaculation
--Pre-measured metered pump for topical application - contains no cfc's
You hear that, kids? No CFCs! For those of you who remember environmentalism circa 1988, chloroflourocarbons are the chemicals that come out of (or used to come out of) aerosol bottles, thereby destroying the ozone layer.
So now you can anesthetize your penis -- without damaging the ozone layer!
Hurry up and buy some Stud Spray 100!
p.s. -- You think you can put anesthetic spray on someone's penis without it getting all over, say, your vagina? Just a hint. There's a reason no one sells vaginal anesthetic spray.
The topic of this post will be Scary Substances You Should Not Apply to Your Genitals.
Item number one is Sure-Grip Tighten-Her Cream, listed in the category -- who knew there was a category?! -- of "vaginal shrink formulas."
Click to buy!
This reminds me of a medieval-themed porno I once saw in which Gidget the Midget (a dwarf porn star not to be confused with Bridget the Midget, who is hotter) played the shrunken-down version of a regular porn star, who was a good witch who had attracted the jealousy of the evil queen. I was very sad for Gidget, not only because her dwarf-ness was being treated as an evil curse, but because the key to breaking the evil curse was that the now-dwarfed princess had to find true love -- which, she feared, would be impossible as a dwarf. Pornos are simply not supposed to feature midget porn starlets having sex with several men in medieval costume (hang with me, that part's fine) and then, after they leave, lamenting "How will I ever get anyone to fall in love with me?"
That was the saddest porno I ever saw.
Anyway, this cream is supposed to just shrink your vagina, not all of you. So, let's review. Vaginal tightening cream "awards him the sinfully stimulating sensation of a virgin vagina." Full-body shrinkage in proportion to your newly-tiny vagina means that no one will ever love you.
Great! Now that we've got that down, let's move on to non-FDA approved substances for men.
Stud Spray 100 "is designed to help men delay ejaculation and prolong the pleasures of sex; it has a fast acting Lidocaine base that is safe and easy to use."
Click to buy!
In other words, it's a penile anesthetic. Funny, how we have all kinds of cultural stereotypes about the fun sex lives of, say, pizza delivery men or private eyes (popular porno professions), but no one ever says "You're an anesthesiologist? You must have the best sex life ever!"
Study Spray 100 also offers the following benefits:
--Helps in cases of over-rapid or premature ejaculation
--Pre-measured metered pump for topical application - contains no cfc's
You hear that, kids? No CFCs! For those of you who remember environmentalism circa 1988, chloroflourocarbons are the chemicals that come out of (or used to come out of) aerosol bottles, thereby destroying the ozone layer.
So now you can anesthetize your penis -- without damaging the ozone layer!
Hurry up and buy some Stud Spray 100!
p.s. -- You think you can put anesthetic spray on someone's penis without it getting all over, say, your vagina? Just a hint. There's a reason no one sells vaginal anesthetic spray.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
"Did you cum, baby?"
"I don't know."