*WARNING! VERY LONG VERY DRAMA
FILLED POST*
So its been quite a while and my life has/had gone to hell in a crappy handbasket. Oh how I fucked things up royally since my last post. Lots of drama lots of bullshit and I wish to god it was over. Lets see if I can give an abbreviated version. Im an asshole. An easily confused and naive asshole. That friend problem I meantioned previously, well that was my boyfriends's friend( and roomate) telling me every bad thing my boyfriend has ever said or done. Whether in his past relationships or in ours. Every doubt, everything said in anger or despair. All of it. Big heeps of "he doesnt love you" and "hes using you", "he doesnt want to be with you", "you are dumb for being with him". So that coupled with my own insecurities lead to big bad confusion and even more bad choices on my part. I ended up being distant with my guy and spending more time with the friend, who is always so consoling and sweet and very much looking like "the good guy", the safe guy, the logical guy. Bad Bad choice. I end up with a crush on the friend and finding out he likes me too. Bad to worse. While I'm thinking that yeah he's a great guy and I COULD see being in a more than friend relationship one day if things were different, I was still very much in love with my boyfriend. And I was always very clear that I wanted to be with my guy, and not the friend. So, after a while I stepped back and realized I was fucking up by spending so much time with the friend and not my guy, that I finally realized I didnt care what anyone said, I wanted to make things work. The next day we broke up. We had this conversation about me being distant and other issues and he said he felt that maybe we should just quit prolonging the inevitable and break up. I told him it wasnt what I wanted but agreed anyway. So what was thought to be a mutual thing left us both feeling like the other one left. Very crappy. Well things got weirder and worse from there. We both knew we loved and missed each other but issues kept coming up.I continued to hang out with the friend cause for the most part he made me feel better. About myself and the situation. And in retrospect that wasnt a good choice on my part either. I ended up more confused in my head, trying to figure out what to believe, what was true what was right and logical and what was for the best, but my heart always knew that I loved my boyfriend and that he was what I wanted more than anything else in the world..I tend to be VERY insecure and making bad decisions, very in the moment, not thinking of the consequences type of choices. So then I made the horrible mistake of kissing the friend. Entirely MY BAD CHOICE. My boy and I had been broken up for about 2 weeks at this point. And I had tried to get back together with him and he said he didnt think it was a good idea cuase he didnt think our issues had been resolved. So I cracked and made a fucking terrible mess. Last week my guy emails me and it sounds like theirs hope. So I come over here and we start talking, and he knows about me and the friend liking each other. Very not ok with it. Then he asks if we had kissed, and I'm not gonna lie, so I told him the truth. He got very angry, understandably so, and I cried and it was pretty bad. Again, bad to worse.But he is willing to give me another chance. So BIG happy there! I love him immensely and was ready and willing to do what I needed to to start making amends, and get our life together back on track. Part of my penance is that I have tobe the one to tell the friend he has a week to move out. And that we both fucked up and I will not be his friend anymore. As one might imagine it went over like a fucking nuclear bomb. Now, my boyfriends other friends hate me and think Im a "trifilin ho" and that hes being dumb for taking me back and that everything is entirely my fault and Im like the biggest bitch on the planet and that I completely fucked over the friend. Now while I readily admit that I made mistakes and very poor choices, I dont feel this is something I "did" to him. I'm sorry things happened the way they did and yeah it sucks for him that he had to find a new place to live, but I wanst alone in the bad decision boat. But it seems like everyone is putting this all on me. And now I feel extra shitty cause now my boyfriends friends , execpt for the other roomate, are being evasive and weird towards him and the friend that was in this mess in saying he's gonna take my baby to court over some rent money and it feels like this whole thing has jsut snowballed into a massive destructive beast thats never gonna end. It really quite difficult to enjoy the extreme happiness at being back with my boyfriend , knowing without a doubt that he loves me as much as I love him, when everything else around us is so shitty. No one seems to care that he's taking a risk, a chance, breaking all his rules and standards, for me. Because he LOVES me and wants to be with me. Cause he feels that Im worth it. And Im ready to spend the rest of my life showing him how much I love him in return. Egads, I just wish I hadnt created such a god awful mess. I mean I'm willing to suffer for my mistakes, but he shouldnt have to. I think thats what I feel the worst about. Whew! a new record for my longest post ever. And Im not looking for anyone to try to justify what has happened, or anything like that. I just needed a good rant. Maybe some words of encouragement if you made it this far into the post.
Later Daze
ps i hope everyone is doing ok! I miss you all and will return later to see how everyone is individually.
FILLED POST*
So its been quite a while and my life has/had gone to hell in a crappy handbasket. Oh how I fucked things up royally since my last post. Lots of drama lots of bullshit and I wish to god it was over. Lets see if I can give an abbreviated version. Im an asshole. An easily confused and naive asshole. That friend problem I meantioned previously, well that was my boyfriends's friend( and roomate) telling me every bad thing my boyfriend has ever said or done. Whether in his past relationships or in ours. Every doubt, everything said in anger or despair. All of it. Big heeps of "he doesnt love you" and "hes using you", "he doesnt want to be with you", "you are dumb for being with him". So that coupled with my own insecurities lead to big bad confusion and even more bad choices on my part. I ended up being distant with my guy and spending more time with the friend, who is always so consoling and sweet and very much looking like "the good guy", the safe guy, the logical guy. Bad Bad choice. I end up with a crush on the friend and finding out he likes me too. Bad to worse. While I'm thinking that yeah he's a great guy and I COULD see being in a more than friend relationship one day if things were different, I was still very much in love with my boyfriend. And I was always very clear that I wanted to be with my guy, and not the friend. So, after a while I stepped back and realized I was fucking up by spending so much time with the friend and not my guy, that I finally realized I didnt care what anyone said, I wanted to make things work. The next day we broke up. We had this conversation about me being distant and other issues and he said he felt that maybe we should just quit prolonging the inevitable and break up. I told him it wasnt what I wanted but agreed anyway. So what was thought to be a mutual thing left us both feeling like the other one left. Very crappy. Well things got weirder and worse from there. We both knew we loved and missed each other but issues kept coming up.I continued to hang out with the friend cause for the most part he made me feel better. About myself and the situation. And in retrospect that wasnt a good choice on my part either. I ended up more confused in my head, trying to figure out what to believe, what was true what was right and logical and what was for the best, but my heart always knew that I loved my boyfriend and that he was what I wanted more than anything else in the world..I tend to be VERY insecure and making bad decisions, very in the moment, not thinking of the consequences type of choices. So then I made the horrible mistake of kissing the friend. Entirely MY BAD CHOICE. My boy and I had been broken up for about 2 weeks at this point. And I had tried to get back together with him and he said he didnt think it was a good idea cuase he didnt think our issues had been resolved. So I cracked and made a fucking terrible mess. Last week my guy emails me and it sounds like theirs hope. So I come over here and we start talking, and he knows about me and the friend liking each other. Very not ok with it. Then he asks if we had kissed, and I'm not gonna lie, so I told him the truth. He got very angry, understandably so, and I cried and it was pretty bad. Again, bad to worse.But he is willing to give me another chance. So BIG happy there! I love him immensely and was ready and willing to do what I needed to to start making amends, and get our life together back on track. Part of my penance is that I have tobe the one to tell the friend he has a week to move out. And that we both fucked up and I will not be his friend anymore. As one might imagine it went over like a fucking nuclear bomb. Now, my boyfriends other friends hate me and think Im a "trifilin ho" and that hes being dumb for taking me back and that everything is entirely my fault and Im like the biggest bitch on the planet and that I completely fucked over the friend. Now while I readily admit that I made mistakes and very poor choices, I dont feel this is something I "did" to him. I'm sorry things happened the way they did and yeah it sucks for him that he had to find a new place to live, but I wanst alone in the bad decision boat. But it seems like everyone is putting this all on me. And now I feel extra shitty cause now my boyfriends friends , execpt for the other roomate, are being evasive and weird towards him and the friend that was in this mess in saying he's gonna take my baby to court over some rent money and it feels like this whole thing has jsut snowballed into a massive destructive beast thats never gonna end. It really quite difficult to enjoy the extreme happiness at being back with my boyfriend , knowing without a doubt that he loves me as much as I love him, when everything else around us is so shitty. No one seems to care that he's taking a risk, a chance, breaking all his rules and standards, for me. Because he LOVES me and wants to be with me. Cause he feels that Im worth it. And Im ready to spend the rest of my life showing him how much I love him in return. Egads, I just wish I hadnt created such a god awful mess. I mean I'm willing to suffer for my mistakes, but he shouldnt have to. I think thats what I feel the worst about. Whew! a new record for my longest post ever. And Im not looking for anyone to try to justify what has happened, or anything like that. I just needed a good rant. Maybe some words of encouragement if you made it this far into the post.
Later Daze
ps i hope everyone is doing ok! I miss you all and will return later to see how everyone is individually.
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p.m.s we should get together!