jelly_bean

we all like to think we are strong. we all like to think that nothing bothers us and that when things do go wrong, we know how to handle it w/out having minor panic attacks. usually, i am like this. i can write papers down to the wire w/out fretting, i can handle most tough situations when they approach b/c i've had to do that a lot in my life. however, for some reason today, something so small and insignificant, something that could be fixed, something that could have been a million times worse got to me. i was making the bed at joual's before we had to leave so he could catch a bus back to base and i tripped over a wire and my laptop fell off the nightstand. i turned my computer on immediately and it worked but the powerbox cord that attaches to my computer, that recharges it, didn't. now, i've been having some problems w/ it and knew eventually i'd have to fix it, but it was still working, so of course, i figured that i'd have time to get it fixed. this shouldn't have gotten to me. but it did. i think it was a combination of post-freak out about my laptop being busted, it wasn't but i freaked (last time my computer broke it cost 1850 shekels to fix...that's over 400 dollars), me being tired (i don't sleep well the night before joual leaves and this was no different as i am not going to see him for a month), the fact i was already a bit sad that joual was going to be away for a bit, and just lots of other things. not to mention my life happens to be on my computer. my class notes. my papers. all my organization happens to be on this fucking piece of metal and plastic shit that dictates my life. it reminds me how much i hate the fact that my life has become relient on a computer. so i freaked. and i hate doing that b/c i hate having people see me when i am vulnerable. even more so when it's my boyfriend and he's about to leave and the last thing he wants to see before he leaves is his girlfriend going into full panic mode. i realized soon after my panic attack that it wasn't horrible. i might be 24 or so hours w/out a computer but it can't be that bad. i just, at that moment, i don't know, felt horrible.

and like i said, no one wants anyone to see when they feel like that. no one wants to see you cry b/c it hurts them b/c then they think they can't do anything to help you. i don't like having my boyfriend see my cry b/c i don't want him to feel bad. i never want to do anything to make him feel bad. you want to show you are strong, but sometimes, it just doesn't happen like that. i don't want people too see i can be weak, i can be hurt, especially my boyfriend who i look up to b/c he is so strong and i want him to think i am the same way about me. i have this fear that some one will see me weak and won't want to know me anymore b/c i am weak. i think that it is a fear we all have inside of us.

luckily my boyfriend is a fucking hero and lent me his computer since he will be away. i am hoping to have my computer crap fixed this week so friday i can stop by his parents place and drop this one off and just thank them a million times over for raising the most amazing son.

he treats me amazing and he loves me b/c i am supposed to be this strong person, but i guess the truth is that we all have our moments when we let out the fact that we are only human and sometimes things do get us down...even if they are small and insignificant, sometimes, when they happen, they don't seem that way.

i forgot what movie or show it is from but some character said that if he loves you during your bad times just as much as during your good, then you know you have something strong.

and i think that's what makes me feel good.

he brings out the best in me, he does...and i try to remain his strong, brave girl, i did a pretty damn good job of it (i think) when he was in gaza during the war (i had one breakdown but then i was good and just waiting for him to call me and tell me he was okay), but for some reason, this morning got to me.

and then all i could think about is that i hope he doesn't think less of me b/c i did freak about something so silly as a dumb wire that could be fixed in a day. if it was my computer that busted, i think that'd be another story. but it was a wire. but i know he doesn't and i know he still loves me...as he said, he wouldn't loan me his computer if he didn't.

i just really need to not let the small things get to me like that. usually i don't. like i said, usually i am this strong girl who gets her shit done, who doesn't freak out at the slightest thing, who doesn't let the stupid things fuck other things up.

but i guess we all have those moments.

i think i am just extremely lucky.

i am not a needy, weak little girl. i am not. and i refuse to be. i hate those people w/ a passion. i don't like people who give out this weak persona b/c i want to smack them around and tell them to grow up and get over it. it's true, we all have weak moments, but i don't like those people who don't know how to get out of those weak moments.

and i am not saying everyone should always be a man all the time b/c having a moment of weakness still shows that you are human. but people who are weak all the time....that's just never good.

as chucky from rugrats says, "i'm a big,brave dog."

so i am good now. i already had a few responses to a posting i put on this yahoo group for the town i live in and i am pretty postive that by the time i go to school on thursday, i will have my laptop, w/ a fully functional cord.

like i said before, it just shows how relient we've become on these things...blah.

for all intensive purposes, i am a strong person.

but i am human, i let that out.

but now i am done being weak and getting things fixed.

don't cry over spilt milk and don't sweat the small stuff b/c everything is small stuff.

i'm a big brave dog.

xoxo

-JB