Sweet Jesus this is great....
(it takes a while to load, but damn is it ever worth it)
One more class... then finals... then the breakdown? Who knows, I'm too tired to even have a breakdown at this point.
Man, I realized something that scared/pissed me off yesterday: in a weird way, I'm just like those women I get so pissed off with who keep getting back into abusive relationships (whoever you are, you know someone like this, I'm sure). Me, though, I keep getting attracted to women who are in trouble in some sense, usually emotionally. Every time I go through a "relationship" (or lack thereof, seeing as how I'm always the friend and never the boyfriend) with someone like my last one (where I never knew what hour of the night or morning I might get a call saying she wants to kill herself), I tell myself that it's too draining, that I can't do it again. And yet I keep finding myself drawn to people like this. (I'm not hooked on anyone now, but it's just something I've noticed). Isn't this sort of the same thing as those girls who always end up with some dick who doesn't treat her right?
You know, when I was going through my depression phases (I still get a few of them, but they're more spaced out and I almost know how to handle them now), I always resented people who tried to help me but had no clue how. They meant well, so I couldn't be really pissed off at them, but they were unintentionally arrogant by assuming that whatever helped them would help me, even though they had absolutely no idea what I was really going through.
But now I'm to a point where I usually do know how to help someone else who's going through depressed/suicidal thoughts, at least to some small extent. Do I feel like, because I have this experience, I SHOULD use it for a good end? With Kelli, the last person I was in this spot with, I really did care for her... and it tore me up inside to see her like she was. I'm not as emotionally attached to her now, and we've moved to the "just friends" stage (if we were ever officially anything else -- I just really cared for her, and it was only returned in small ways), but she tells me now that I really did do a lot of good for her. I guess that makes me feel better... but I keep getting caught in the same damn trap. I'm some weird twist on a hypocrite (maybe not a full hypocrite... half of one? a hypocrite in principle only? ARGH!)
(man, I didn't think I'd ever use one of those smiley things, but here I am....)
Anyway, if you're still reading, kudos on slogging through my stupid meanderings upon my own psyche. I just had to get that out. I'm sure it was thrilling....
Random thought of the day: if a two year-old member of the Hitler Youth were doused in hot coals, would it be a Hotsy-Totsy Nazi?
(it takes a while to load, but damn is it ever worth it)
One more class... then finals... then the breakdown? Who knows, I'm too tired to even have a breakdown at this point.
Man, I realized something that scared/pissed me off yesterday: in a weird way, I'm just like those women I get so pissed off with who keep getting back into abusive relationships (whoever you are, you know someone like this, I'm sure). Me, though, I keep getting attracted to women who are in trouble in some sense, usually emotionally. Every time I go through a "relationship" (or lack thereof, seeing as how I'm always the friend and never the boyfriend) with someone like my last one (where I never knew what hour of the night or morning I might get a call saying she wants to kill herself), I tell myself that it's too draining, that I can't do it again. And yet I keep finding myself drawn to people like this. (I'm not hooked on anyone now, but it's just something I've noticed). Isn't this sort of the same thing as those girls who always end up with some dick who doesn't treat her right?
You know, when I was going through my depression phases (I still get a few of them, but they're more spaced out and I almost know how to handle them now), I always resented people who tried to help me but had no clue how. They meant well, so I couldn't be really pissed off at them, but they were unintentionally arrogant by assuming that whatever helped them would help me, even though they had absolutely no idea what I was really going through.
But now I'm to a point where I usually do know how to help someone else who's going through depressed/suicidal thoughts, at least to some small extent. Do I feel like, because I have this experience, I SHOULD use it for a good end? With Kelli, the last person I was in this spot with, I really did care for her... and it tore me up inside to see her like she was. I'm not as emotionally attached to her now, and we've moved to the "just friends" stage (if we were ever officially anything else -- I just really cared for her, and it was only returned in small ways), but she tells me now that I really did do a lot of good for her. I guess that makes me feel better... but I keep getting caught in the same damn trap. I'm some weird twist on a hypocrite (maybe not a full hypocrite... half of one? a hypocrite in principle only? ARGH!)
(man, I didn't think I'd ever use one of those smiley things, but here I am....)
Anyway, if you're still reading, kudos on slogging through my stupid meanderings upon my own psyche. I just had to get that out. I'm sure it was thrilling....
Random thought of the day: if a two year-old member of the Hitler Youth were doused in hot coals, would it be a Hotsy-Totsy Nazi?
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
I really hope she saw that, but being the conservative bitch that she is, I doubt she did.