jeffvader

why is it i feel like i have a sign on my fore head that says "abuse me"?

it's really not worth going into...i'm trying to be the duck's back and just let the water roll off. but, i am tired of being "the nice guy": the one who does whatever someone says. i've been talked down to most of my life...well, it feels like most of my life...but, i don't think i can take it from an 18 year old....

i'm thinking of going to the netherlands (you know, where amsterdam is...) i'm tempted to book the trip without getting permission from my job first but that would be highly irresponsible and coercive (sp?)....but i don't want to be told that i have to work within their timeline: "well, you can only be gone for 3 days, mr. vader..." i want 7 or 9 days tops...i wish my back would settle down. i'm working everyday in pain. if i could just get this goddamn monkey off my back...

rain is wet, sugar is sweet, clap your hands and stomp your feet....prn

i felt pretty good after lunch today...it was mostly vegetarian...then came dinner: hamburger, some fries, and an iced tea. i feel like shit right now. i feel nervous and antsy. i can't keep doing this to myself. i've been slowly destroying myself with this shit since my mom died and i can't do it anymore. i want to be better than i am right now: physically and mentally. it's going to be a long haul and i know i can do it....i've done it before....